Wanna Know About Julian and Vernon's "date"? Here's your answer!

Scene 8



Julian's House-Interior-BedroomJanuary 23rd, 2009.
Later that night. Julian is walking around his room in his shorts and wifebeater, combing his hair with the phone on the mantle in front of him.

Julian
Vernon is so funny! He said that the reason why girls turn into lesbians are because they can't handle men with big...

Scene cuts to...

Z and Stony's Apartment-Interior-Bedroom
Z and Stony are laying in a brand new bed and their apartment also had brand new furniture in it as well.



Z
Use disney friendly language, potty mouth...



Julian
With big...egos. Since when don't you appreciate the fine art of vulgarity?



Z looks over at the couch, a little kid is laying on the couch sleeping. Stony comes into the room and lays in the bed.


Z
I have an impressionable young child here, I can't be sending the children out into the world cussing like sailors, hunnay.



Julian
What child?


Z
I'm babysitting for my cousin, you know she leaves her kids here to go shake her ass at the club.


Stony
Like that's good language for the child.


Z
Ass is not a curse! Ass is in the dictionary, it's a part of the body.


Darnell
Part of the body that you need desperately!


Darnell's House-Interior-Bedroom
Darnell is putting on his nightly lotions, sitting on the edge of his bed.



Darnell
I swear Z, your ass is SO flat it looks like if you sat down, you would fold right the hell up like a pull out couch.



Julian
(laughs)
That was a good one, Darnell.



Z
(unphased)
Which is the reason why BOTH of you are laying at home in an empty bed, manless and lonely. Eat it, bitches.


Julian
(pouts)
You guyssss, we had such a great time. Vernon actually wanted to go eat first, after boxing he has a big appetite. Ugh, I love that about him.


Stony
So you went to go eat first and than you went to the movies?



Julian
Yup and the movie was good too, you guys should see it, it really IS Jada's comeback role.



Z
Jada was just bored from spending all the money my husband makes, she'll make another movie in another five years when she gets bored again.


Darnell
Your HUSSSBAND? Stony, I didn't know you turned to the darkside, go get that fish boo!



Stony
She was talking about Will Smith and I TOLD you about...
(he hits Z softly in the mouth)
Playing like that. Will Smith is MY husband.JulianI wish Vernon was my husband...



Z
See, you're doing it already. DON'T rush into things.



Julian
But I'm not, I'm just expressing my thoughts, I KNOW he's not my husband...for the most part.


Z
So how did the night end?



JulianW
Well, he dropped me off and we talked in his car for about thirty minutes. I don't know how but we were talking about Michelle Obama...why her hair is so big.



Darnell
I HAVE always thought that! I think she's hiding her piece in there if anybody try to come after her man. Ya know, Chalie Annnngel. Well, she better watch out cause I got one too and it's only a matter of time before I get my man back.



Julian
Back? You act like you've had him before.


Darnell
There's a lot you don't know about me. I bet you didn't know that I'm a prince in a small village in Bulgaria.



Stony
Barack Obama don't want you!...He wants me.


Z
(smacks him on the arm)
STOP talking about my husband like that, it's rude!



JulianY
ou guys are CRAZY! Barack Obama is worrying about the economic depression we're going through, he don't got TIME to be worrying about you three.


Z
(sighs)They just don't know how to keep their whorish selves closed, hunnay, I don't understand! But anyway, so basically...


Stony
It sounds like he likes you, mary.


Julian
(smiling)
Sometimes, when he's talking to me and our eyes meet for a few seconds longer than they should...I think he does. But, than I snap back to Earth when he looked at the waitress' butt at the diner after the movies.



Stony
Wait, you went to eat AGAIN after the movies? That's my kind of man.



Z
So I gotta be a fat ass to get you to show me some kind of affection?



Stony
All you gotta do is get a paystub and I'll show you more affection than man's bestfriend.



Darnell
Well, you got the closest thing to it right next to you.



Z
Darnell, I would come back with some snappy comment to make you feel about the size of your small heart but I'm not. Because even though you got our stuff blown up, you DID replace it with some very nice things. So thank you.



Darnell
It sounded like it hurt to say that.



Z
Oh, believe me it did.



Stony
You did go all out. Laying in this bed is like ASKING to oversleep, this building will not be secure at 9 o clock in the morning tomorrow.



Julian
I would feel really safe with a security guard that sleeps on the job. I hope the tenants don't get wind of that, you might get shanked.



Darnell
See, I'm not all that bad. Stony, just make sure Z doesn't get any of her pet dander on the bed, that is chaffon and the smell will NOT come out.
(he looks at the clock, he yawns).
I gotta get my beauty rest, as the cute one of the group I cannot be looking all worn and drawn out like you three.



Stony
Who said YOU were the cute one?



DarnellI thought it was obvious, duh. I'm the cute one, Julian's the innocent one, you're the blunt one, and Z's the bitch.



Z
If a BITCH calls me a BITCH again today, I'm gonna go off.


Darnell
Point proven.
(he cuts his light off)
Goodnight people.


Darnell hangs up and cuddles next to his picture of Young Jeezy.


Darnell
(smiling big)
Goodnight, Jeezy.



Z
That boy is a mess and a half, I swear. I'm mad he got us this furniture cause now everytime I wanna yell at him I'm just gonna lay on my five hundred dollar couch.


Julian
Oh my God, that's Vernon! Hold on!
(he clicks over for a moment and than comes back, laughing)
He wants to talk about General Hospital, he watches my favorite soap opera! I think I'm being punked.



Stony
Go talk to your boo, mary.



Julian
He's not my BOO...



Z
Yeah, yeah, tell us about how good the "Phonography" was tomorrow.


Julian
You're saying that word too?



Z
It's that damn, Britney cd, girl! It's like it has subliminal messages in it.


Julian
Yeah, Darnell's hooked on it too. Ugh, that's Vernon beeping in again. I gotta go.



Stony
Daddy said go, she gotta go hunnay!



Julian
Shut up, Stony. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Bye


Julian hangs up.



Z
Julian is gonna be head over heels in a few weeks, I'm just hoping we don't have to scrap him up off the floor after it's all over cause that's just exhausting.



Stony
(looking through the bills)
And so is looking through this pile of "give me money", "give me money", "give me money". I can't no more.


Z
I know it's hard, baby and I'm sorry for how I've been acting lately with getting a job. You need my help and I love you so I'm going to do my damnest to do that.



Stony
You really mean that?



Z
Of course!



Z's been on his laptop all this time and his eyes light up, seeing something he likes.



Z
I found it! God don't come when you want him but he comes when you need him! Look...




Z shows the screen to Stony.



Stony
(reading)
"Gay Housewife Needed, Payment in cash"...
(angry expression)
WHAT the HELL...?!



Z
(confused)
What?! It's a JOB!



Stony
(pause)
I'm going to sleep. I can't with you no more.



Stony turns over.



Z still looks like he doesn't know what the problem is with being a gay housewife.



Z
(clueless)
What?!

End of Episode.