“BOYFRIENDZ”
“Pilot” (1 of 2)
“Pilot” (1 of 2)
Scene 1
Z and Stony's Apartment--Interior-Living Room
January 21, 2009. Wednesday morning. The show opens up with Z, the "mother" of the Boyfriends crew. He's medium height, light skin, and skinny. Very effeminate but doesn't care what anyone thinks about him and believes he can kick anyone's ass. Usually, the advice giver of the group and has a love hate relationship with Darnell. Z is closest to Julian out of everyone and they consider themselves "gay sisters" for life .Z is cleaning up the living room singing, "Diva" by Beyonce, with her headphones on and her cd player blasting. Julian comes in, dressed in his dance gear.Julian is handsome, short, nicely built and is the nicest one of the group but also the most neurotic, naive, and a little bit "blonde" sometimes. He is the most rational of the Boyfriends but is also the least experienced. Julian has been Z's best friend for years after they met through mutual friends and has a key to his apartment. Hearing Z singing, he walks into the living room and has a horrified look on his face.
Z
(singing)
"Since fifteen in my stiletouttes, been strutting in this game, what's yo age, what's the(inaudible sound, Z makes noise with her mouth)I'ma, I'ma a diva...
Julian
Oh--my--God...WHAT is that ungodly sound coming out of your mouth?Z(singing, paying no mind)You see that maskkkk or that moneyyyyy...JulianYOU are NOT Beyonce!Z(singing)I'ma, I'ma a divaaa--I'ma, I'ma a divaaa...
Julian
(sighing, knowing what he has to say)
You're not Beyonce, you're better bitch!Z cuts off the music and smiles.
Z
And don't you forget it, hunnay.
Julian
Hi, Z. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to smack you, bring you back to reality You ARE NOT Beyonce.
Z makes a face at him.
Z
I am tired of all this hateration from the girls, hunnay. How ya doing, mary?
Julian smiles, their banter being one of the brighter part of his days.
Julian
Do you really wanna know? I'm nervous as hell. I have this audition at ten-thirty, which is in about THIRTY minutes and I don't think I can do it.
Z
You second guessing yourself, girl, course you CAN'T do it.
(sits down on the other couch)
That's like me saying I'm NOT gonna win the pageant and than...NOT--win the pageant...maybe that's not such a good example.
Julian smirks.
Julian
Your pageants are different, we go into them KNOWING that we're not going to win. Than when we DON'T win, we have to fight cause it was rigged. Just not something I wanna have to do at an audition. Just saying.
Z looks offended.
Z
You're a shady queen. A shady, shady queen!
(he calms down)
I DID win those pageants, those bricks couldn't TAKE me, hunnay.
Z flips his fake, imaginary hair.
Julian
I know. I know. You were a lot prettier than those other girls. Except Kimberly Kane....
Z
(doesn't look interested)
She was alright.
Julian
Oh! And, Ebony Prisay...
Z
Yeah, she was good...
Julian
Oh my God, and Asaiyah Dior!
Z
(Z gets up, looking interested)
She was sickning! Sickning! That's the package I want tohave! She...was...SICKNING.
They both stop for a moment, thinking about the drag pageants they've done and how having a better package would have made them win.
Julian
Maybe we need to change your package...
Z
(nodding in agreement)
Why didn't we think of that before?
Julian
(stumped)
I don't know...but anyway. The audition. It's for this guy called "Energy", some new punk, pop singer. He's making a video and he needs some dancers so...I'm gonna go try out.
Z looks like he doesn't want to laugh but she does.
Z
Energy. Sounds like a drink. I don't know if I would be going to that audition, girl.
Julian
Why not?
Z
Because, Energy? What kind of name is that?
Julian
What kind of name is, "Zanity Kane"?
Z
(looks serious)
You trying to read, girl? Zanity Kane is a hot ass name for my alter ego. Beyonce aint the only one who could have split personalities and make millions off of them.
Julian
You already got too many of THOSE that DON'T make no money! And "Zanity Kane" sounds like a mental patient.
(acts like he's introducing someone)
Everyone, it's...ZANITY KANE!"...I would be running out the club to the nearest police station if they announced that name as the next performer at a club.
Z
(wants to be mad but finds it funny)
I wish I could call you something that they could air on tv.
Julian laughs.
Julian
So you really think I SHOULDN'T go?
Z
No. I think you should go. Because you're a good dancer and you're gonna kill it.
Julian
Thank you...
(thinks)
Are you secretly crossing you're fingers so I can't see them and you're really wishing me bad luck instead of all that fluff you just gave me? You know, being the shady person you are.
Z
(smiles like he's caught)
How did you know?
Julian
Cause you're a hateful, whore. Least that's what Stony says.
Z sits up, wanting to know what his boyfriend said about him.
Z
What do you mean?
Julian
He was talking to Darnell in the bathroom while you were in the bed talking to ME about the argument you had last night. You know, Stony calls Darnell, Darnell calls me, the whole "gay phone chain". I swear, me and Darnell are going to start charging you for the all the bags under our eyes from staying up with you guys so late on the phone.
Suddenly, Darnell comes in. Darnell is the friend you have who thinks he's better than everybody, looks better than everybody, you know, those "I'm the Queen of the world" and better than you friends. Darnell is closest with Julian because they were best friends in high school and has always stuck up for Julian even though he sometimes cares more about himself than others. He and Z have a love hate relationship, mostly because Z doesn't put up with Darnell's "bow down to me" attitude. Darnell is twenty three, short, and cute with a short haircut and you can tell that he likes the finer things in life. He wears designer clothing from head to toe and is the "self proclaimed cute one" of the Boyfriendz.
Darnell
Don't BE saying I have bags under my eyes, I will NEVER have bags under my eyes. That's what I paid my plastic surgeon five thousand dollars under the table AND made that pact with the devil for.
Julian and Z look back, shocked to see him.
Z
And I'm gonna start charging for every time you leave the door unlocked and let this label whore hyena come into my apartment.
Julian
Now you he would have found a way in anyway...hey, Darnell. You're up early.
Darnell
I was gonna say the same about this trick...(he points to Z)
SHE'S never up until the sunlight hits her in the face and says "Hey, I'm about to go SET now, you MIGHT wanna get up."
Darnell sits down on the couch next to Julian and her cell phone rings.
Darnell
One second...
One second...
(he answers)
Hi honey! Yes, the house on Elshire and Brawn is lovely. Three bathrooms, Four bedrooms, and a kitchen and half. When can you see it, um...next week? That's great. I'll see ya than.
Hi honey! Yes, the house on Elshire and Brawn is lovely. Three bathrooms, Four bedrooms, and a kitchen and half. When can you see it, um...next week? That's great. I'll see ya than.
(he hangs up, looking happy but the rest of them are looking at her like she's crazy)
What?
Z
Wilshire and Brawn HAS no houses left to live on it. It was destroyed in the flood that happened weeks ago. What deaf, dumb, and blind person are YOU selling a house to over there?
Darnell
(pauses)Ok, ok, so she's blind! And what the house has is three rooms that I'm GONNA TURN...into all that crap I just said.
(thinks)
HOW many kitchens did I say were in there again?
Z
God knows how you've been in business for so long without being locked up.
Darnell
Boo, when you got these...
(he shows his arms, they're muscular)
Going to jail is the least of your problems.
Z
Unless they mistake you for a male hooker which they probably will seeing as how you dress like somebody working the corner.
Darnell
Hmm, envy, it looks so good on you, Z. These would look good on you too...
(displays his diamond studs)
I mean, I KNOW you wish you had them.
Z
(unphased)
And YOU wish you had a man, but I guess you can settle for those earrings. Sure they'll keep you warm at night next to your picture of Young Jeezy.
Darnell looks at Julian, surprised that Z knows that.
Julian
(apologetic)
I'm sorry! I was a little tipsy one night, Z asked to know embarrassing things about you, I...she got me! But I blame it on the alcohol like Jaime. Never again will I drink liquor that's lit on fire, it's just not natural. It's like a truth serum. I was like Ben Stiller in the "Meet the Parents" sequel, couldn't shut up for nothing.
Z
Yeah but you wouldn't stop drinking it even when you spilled the drink and the table caught fire, right alchy?
Julian
You wouldn't let a six dollar shot go to waste either! I don't care if the club was going to burn down, I was DRINKING that drink.
Darnell looks around at the walls, shaking his head as though he were talking to somebody.
Julian
WHAT are you doing?
Darnell
(making a sad face)
Feeling SORRY for these walls. They're just crying, "Paint me. Paint me."
Feeling SORRY for these walls. They're just crying, "Paint me. Paint me."
Z
There is NOTHING wrong with my walls.
Darnell
\More importantly, there's nothing RIGHT with them either. You should REALLY let me re-do your house.
Z
You SELL houses, NOT decorate them. You might have pictures of yourself all up and through here if I give you that kind of power and I will NOT be staring at you all night long, trying to give ME nightmares...messing up my sleep and stuff.
Darnell
Every gay man's fantasy is to be staring at me all night long. Do you KNOW how many men have asked to photograph me just so they can have something to look at, at night?
Z
Yeah, the ones who posted your pictures up on a porn site, that's who.
Darnell
That only happened TWICE...well, once...if you DON'T count the fact that the first time it happened, I sold the pictures to the website myself.
Julian
How DO you sleep at night?
Darnell
Comfortably. Peacefully. On my mattress that absorbs the haters right from my body. I paid eleven hundred dollars to have it flown privately from the sheep fields of...
(tries to think of the name but can't)
SOME third world country. I'll tell you, those eleven year old slave shops workers put their foot into making that bed, I know that's why Angelina adopted all of them, all her gowns are "hand made". Mother Teresa my ass.
Julian
You just love rubbing the fact that you have money in our face, don't you?
Darnell
Well...
(thinks about it)
Yeah. It just makes me feel like a better person, I like that feeling. Aint nothing wrong with wanting to be the best.
Z
The one thing you're the best at...
Darnell
(defensively)
Is what? WHAT?! Go ahead say it, the one thing I'm the best at is laying on my back, right?
Z
(pause)
Well, I was GONNA say it's being all about yourself butlaying on your back, that works too. DEFINITELY works.
Julian
I should start going.
(Julian gets up from the couch, sighing)
Julian
Wish me luck?
Darnell
I don't even know where the hell you're going. I don't do that whole blind trusting thing anymore. That's how you end up playing gay "Pirates of the Caribbean", tied to a flagpole, naked and blindfolded, you WON'T...get me twice.
Julian
I'm going to my audition for Energy.
Darnell
(looks at Z confused)
I will NOT be a part of wishing you luck to get the part of an energy drink. You got the wrong one here. Regardless to what you bitches may think, I CARE about my friends' success.(to Julian)Aim higher, boo, you can do better than an energy drink. Now auditioning to be a Pepsi can? That's where the money is.
Julian just looks at Darnell funny and than turns to Z.
Julian
Can you...
Z
(already understanding what he's saying)
I'll fill dumbass in. Good luck on your audition.JulianI'll call you guys, let you know how it goes because if I DON'T get it, we're getting drinks bright and early today at Lisa's so I can drown my sorrows. Call me an alcoholic all you want.Julian walks out of the apartment.
Darnell
(shaking his head)
I can't believe you're letting that poor boy go off and audition to be an energy drink. And you CALL me a bad friend.
(gets a confused look on his face)
Why is he acting anyway? I thought he wanted to be a doctor.
Z
(looks like he can't believe Darnell just said that)
Julian wants to be a DANCER.
Darnell
Dancer, doctor, he still living with his father! But yeah, you should really let me re-do your house.
Z just gives Darnell an "I can't believe you" look.
Scene 2
Z/Stony's Apartment-Interior-Living Room
Continuation from Scene 1. Darnell is still trying to convince Z to let him re-do his apartment.
Darnell
Come on! And you know what? I'll even do it for fr...for fr...fr...
Z
Are you trying to say FREE?
Darnell
(struggling to say the words)
I'm...trying but my lips won't form the words. "Free" is too close to "fee" and I'm...getting confused.
(trying to decide)
Which one, which one, which one...ok, my brain's decided.
(smiling)
I'll re-do your apartment for a small FEE, not FREE...of a thousand dollars.
Z
Oh ok, that works.
(gets up and gets a knife from the kitchen and walks over to Darnell with a purpose)
Darnell
(jumps back on the couch)
What the hell are you doing?!
Z
(casually)
I'm just going to kill you, steal your credit card and charge your small FEE of a thousand dollars on YOUR tab. I know you can afford it.
Darnell
You're SO hostile!
(Z goes and puts the knife back into the drawer and leans on the counter)
Darnell
Ok, five hundred.Z gets up and goes to the refrigerator, getting a bottle of water.
Z
I am not PAYING you for something YOU offered. And I like my apartment the way it is, everything is perfect and fits for me.
Darnell
Correction. You like the way STONY'S apartment is. You don't pay rent here!StonyDamn sure don't!
Darnell looks around with a strange expression on his face because he hears Stony but doesn't see him.
Darnell
You talking from the beyond the grave again, Casper?
Stony sticks his head out from the divider.
Stony
Screw you, whore, it's too early to be trying to work me.
Darnell
You KNOW I always confuse the box you sleep in for a coffin.
(pointing a finger at the dividers)
That's the first thing I'm gonna tackle, making you two a bedroom. Cause if I gotta look at those...dollar tree asian dividers again, I think I might put myself in a coffin.
That's the first thing I'm gonna tackle, making you two a bedroom. Cause if I gotta look at those...dollar tree asian dividers again, I think I might put myself in a coffin.
Z
(smiling)
And I'll happily nail ya right in.
Stony comes out and sits down on the couch next to Z. Stony is Z's longtime boyfriend of three years, the fourth member of the Boyfriends. He's dark skinned, skinny like Z but a little more manly, he's nice but very blunt and is usually the one to put things into a very, precise but very vulgar, perspective. He loves Z and is friends with Julian and Darnell as well as the security guard for the building he lives in. Stony goes to kiss Z but Z stops him.
Z
Hold up, Lindsay Lohan post anorexia vomit breath. You're trying to kiss me and you didn't even brush your teeth? How disrespectful is that?
Stony
Oh, about as disrespectful as me waking up having to pick...
(he takes out a sunflower seed shell from the back of his head)
SUNflower SEEDS out of my hair.
(throws it at Z)
I'm about to stuff the whole bag down your throat and sew your mouth shut, mary.
Z
(apologetic)
I'm sorry, baby, gimme a kiss.
Z goes to kiss Stony but this time Stony stops him.
Stony
No, I'M mad now.(turns to Darnell)What is this you talking about redecorating my apartment for free?
DarnellYou need to uh, go back to sleep and dream some more cause that's the only free thing you gonna get around here. Well, THAT and that trashy hoe over there.
Z
(quickly)
I have a man, what do you have?
Darnell
(laughing)
Who needs a man when I can have...
Z
A genital wart disease from all the anonymous sex you have?
Darnell
Don't HATE, imitate. And I know you've had a couple of itches YOU couldn't scratch with them talons. In fear of...
(makes disgusted face)
Spreading the rash.
Spreading the rash.
Z
(to Stony)
These girls keep TRYING me!
Stony
They just can't take you, baby.
Z
(sincerely)
I know! That's the price you pay for being sickning, it's terrible.
Darnell
So anyway...do you accept my offer or what? And because we're "friends"...I'll do it for two hundred dollars.
Stony
SOLD!
Darnell
Excellent!He gets up and starts to get his things together.
Z
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Are you gonna buy the furniture for this little extreme home makeover?
Darnell
(looks like he's telling a lie)
Yeah. Sure.
Darnell starts walking to the door again.
Stony
I don't like the way you said that.
Darnell
You guys are my FRIENDS. Do you think I would really play you like that?
You guys are my FRIENDS. Do you think I would really play you like that?
Stony/Z
Yes, mary!
Darnell
(holding his chest as though he's hurt)
It hurts my heart that you guys don't trust me, REALLY it does.
Z
Remember the last time we trusted you to do something?
Darnell
You burn a couple of eyebrows off someone's face and you can never live it down, damn! I'm going to make your apartment look like it's never looked before, believe me.
Darnell walks out and makes a call on his cell phone.
Darnell
(into phone)
Hi!...Yes, that house I told you that you could see next week, how about we do it tomorrow?...Of course, it will be FULLY furnished. I just found you some GREAT items to put in your new home.Darnell has a devious look on his face.
Scene cuts to...
Dance Studio-Interior-Front Desk
January 21, 2009. Wednesday afternoon. Julian walks in with his gym bag and goes to the front desk. There's a receptionist there chewing gum loudly and speaking on the desk phone.
Receptionist
TELL me about it, girl. That's why Chi-Chi and RaRa don't get along no more! Because they sleeping with the SAME dude!...no, not at the same time stupid, that's something me and you would do...
Julian(softly, not wanting to interrupt her)
Um, hi...The Receptionist ignores him.
Receptionist
Oh my God, I know! He is so FINE, right?...ugh, it's scary big!...no, bigger...no, BIGGER...no, not that BIG girl, I am NOT that big of a hoe...
Julian
(softly)
Excuse me...
Receptionist
Tika, hold on a second.
(looks annoyed, covers the phone)
If you need to go to the bathroom, it's down that hallway, don't ask me what door.
Julian
I'm actually here for an audition. For Energy.
Receptionist
(uninterested)
Ohhhh, Energy. Take this...
(she hands him a clipboard)
Fill out those papers and wait back there with the rest of the audition people.
Julian
(smiles)
Thank you. I'm so nervous about this audition..
Thank you. I'm so nervous about this audition..
.The Receptionist puts her hand up, she doesn't want to hear it.
Receptionist
(snotty)
I'm on a phone call, talking about something VERY important. You think I can hold two conversations at once?
Julian
Isn't that part of your job as a receptionist? You have to answer the phone AND talk to people in person at the same time?
Receptionist
(offended)
Well, if YOU wanna tell me how to do MY job than why don't you sit behind this desk and do it yourself than?!
Julian
No. No, thank you, I'm good.
Julian starts walking away.
Julian
Wouldn't wanna turn into a bitter bitch like you.
Wouldn't wanna turn into a bitter bitch like you.
The desk phone rings, signaling a call coming in on another line.
Julian
Now would be a good time to practice that whole multitasking thing, try not to get fired.
The receptionist flips him off and Julian walks towards the back. There's a few people sitting in the waiting area and there's only one seat left, it's next to the good looking black guy who's filling out the same paperwork as Julian. It's like the world stops for a moment, Julian is struck by the guy's handsomeness. His shoulders are broad and defined, his hair is short but curly, his skin looks like caramel and the wife beater he's wearing is hugging him in all the right places. Julian sits down next to him, a look on his face that he's a little "smitten" by the guy's appearance.
Julian
(touching his pockets)
I don't have a pen, great.
Guy
Oh, I think I have an extra one.
He takes a pen out of his pocket and hands it to Julian.
Guy
Here you go.
Julian
Thanks. My head leaves me the minute I walk into a waiting room. Bad habit I have at auditions. Wait, til the part where I get all shaky and nervous and sweaty...
Guy
Sounds like me during sex.
Julian is caught off guard by that comment.
Julian
Thank you--for uh, sharing that.
Guy
A little TOO straight forward for somebody you don't even know, huh?
(extends his hand)
I'm Vernon.
Julian
(shakes Vernon's hand)
Julian. It's nice to meet you.
Vernon
NOW can I tell you about how good I am during sex?
Julian
(smiles, a little uncomfortable)
You must have a side job in making people oddly uncomfortable cause you're good at it.
Julian laughs a little.
Vernon
I'm just fooling around. Like you sweat when you're nervous? I make inappropriate jokes to complete strangers and make myself look like an ass when I'M nervous. Bad habit.
Julian laughs a little more, Vernon's pretty funny.
Julian
So do you know anything about this guy, Energy? My friends think he's some kind of con artist or something. One of them didn't even want me to come.
Vernon
I kinda had that feeling too when I read the ad on Craigslist. I've never even heard of the record label he's with, "Sock It To Me Records"?
Julian
It's supposed to be some independent label, I think. They always have weird names.(wonderingly)
I wonder why that is?
Vernon
Gotta take em where you can get em, right? Life for a dancer aint easy.
Julian
TELL me about it. One of my best friends owns his own company and he's like a year older than me. I, on the other hand, still live with my father, work in customer service and struggle to get a gig during the week.
Vernon
You think that's bad? I have to manage a store five days a week, DO volunteer work on the weekends with kids and come to auditions like this just so I can "follow my dream". I knew I never should have listened to that priest.
Julian looks like he likes Vernon's personality.
Julian
What else can we do besides that? I mean, yeah we COULD be tied down to a job making six figures, working at some desk that we REALLY hate, go home in the most sickening car ever and lay in bed at night, WISHING we were REALLY following our dreams of being on stage instead of living some fake life based on money and objects...
(has a look of realization)
That sounds so much better than what my life is like right now.
Vernon laughs.
Vernon
(pauses)
I'm sorry but did you say...sickening?
Julian
Can we--talk about this in the bathroom?
Vernon looks like he knows what he's suggesting.
Vernon
Well hot damn, let's go!
Scene cuts to...
Bathroom-Interior
Julian and Vernon are in the stall, getting it popping, their hands interlock over the top of the bathroom stall door as cartoon hearts appear above the stall.
Vernon
Did you say...sickening?
Scene cuts to...
Dance Studio-Interior-Waiting Area
Julian was daydreaming. Julian laughs, slightly embarrassed.
JulianIt's a--a gay term. And strangely, it's been lodged into my vocabulary. It means like, hot. Or Good.
Vernon
(surprised)
You're gay?
Julian
(has a "duh" look on his face)
Thought it was kind of a given you already knew that.
Vernon
Well, I just don't assume every MALE dancer is gay. Except ballerinas...
(unsure tone)
Ballerinos?...what DO you call those guys?
Julian
Very secure with their manhood.
Vernon
Yeah, you gotta be really secure with your masculinity to wear tights.
Julian
I was ACTUALLY talking about their penises. A guy HAS to know he's endowed to showcase himself like that in front of all those people...
(changes his expression)
Now that I think about it, ballerinas...
(unsure tone)
Ballerinos ARE pretty sexy.
Vernon
(offended)
So us "regular" hip hop dancers aren't SEXY? See, you're like the black women going for the white men nowadays. (shakes his head in disappointment)
Defection is even happening in the homosexual community. I think it's time to call Tyra.
Julian
(shocked)
Oh my God, you watch Tyra?! I LOVE Tyra!
Vernon
Hey, hey, hey! Don't say that too loud. Don't want people to start thinking I'm one of those guys who--"Tivos" a woman's talk show when they miss it cause they're...at the gym boxing.
It's clear Vernon is talking about himself but is trying to hide it.
Julian
(impressed)
Wow, you just do a lot of things don't you? Very extra-curricular. You climb mountains too?
Vernon
Well, AFTER my volunteer work on the weekends.
(They both laugh.)
Julian
What store do you manage?
Vernon
Excuse me?
Julian
You said you were the...manager of a store during the week. Did I get that wrong? I'm sorry, sometimes I have like this swimmer's ear thing and hear the complete opposite of what people say.
Vernon
Nah, I just didn't even know I had mentioned that. You pay attention to detail, I see.
Julian
Only when it's something I'm interested in.
(looks as though he said something wrong)
NOT that I'm interested in you, THAT way. I just made a really good conversation awkward as hell, didn't I?
Vernon
(amused)
Only cause you made a big deal outta nothing. Listen, I'm not one of those guys who gets offended if a gay guy thinks I'm attractive. I actually take it as a compliment.
Julian
(surprised)
Really? Most men wouldn't.
Vernon
That's cause I'm secure with who I am. Plus, if a guy thinks you're hot, imagine what a girl must think about you?
Julian
(in his head)
Probably the same thing I'm thinking right now. Ripping your clothes off and going to jail for doing the nasty in public.
(aloud)
That's a good way to think of it. But I don't think you're attractive.
Vernon
(looks a little surprised by that)
You're en--titled to your own opinion...
(a little more serious)What is it? I'm not your type? Too tall? Too built? Something wrong with my teeth?
Julian
(pauses, trying to think of something)
It's your ears. You could parachute out of a plane with those things.
Vernon laughs and so does Julian as they continue to fill out their forms.
Scene 3
Outside-ParkZ and Stony are walking through the park, Z is walking a rather large dog.
Z
You really didn't have to come with me to work, it's only dog walking. I can handle this.
Stony
Do you think I WANT to be out here? I'm wasting MY day off, watching you walk FiFi when I could be at home, getting the boys.
Z
(a serious look)
(a serious look)
Don't play with me, I will THROW you in that moss infested pond WITHOUT remorse! Think Angela Bassett did some damage, I'll drown yo ass.
Stony
Stony
You don't even know what remorse means.ZSo what?! It just FIT with the end of the sentence.
Stony
I came cause I wanna make sure you don't...walk your little butt back to the house and flake out on this job like you do the REST of your temp jobs.
The dog starts growling.
Stony
Side question...
(points to the dog)
Why is that big ass dog named FiFi?
Z
He should have been named Fi Fi Foe Fum, he's DAMN near bigger than me and you put together. And baby, I gave you my PROMISE? P-R-O-M-I-S-E. Doesn't that mean anything?
Stony
Yeah, that you can spell. Good for you. I'm still not leaving.
Z sighs, frustrated.
Z
You know what, if we don't have trust, we have nothing.
Stony
We're REALLY gonna have nothing if you don't get a steady income soon. What's gonna happen is, you gonna walk into a blacked out house one day and come together. I CAN'T keep doing this by myself, baby.
Z
Don't you think I know that? I've been trying to get in contact with Jim for a booking at a "Secrets" but he hasn't been picking up my calls. His oversized load self probably can't get the cell phone out his pocket.
(narrows his eyes, finding another solution)
Or maybe he ate it. Or maybe he ate HIMSELF into some kind of glutton, induced coma.
Stony
A booking at "Secrets" ISN'T going to pay the rent.
Z
But it'll pay the light bill. You may not be satisfied but PSEG will be.
Stony
And what's gonna happen next month?
Z
I'll just get another booking.
Stony
Because you get bookings ALL the time, right?
Z
Being a DRAG performer is a hard life. I'm like a struggling artist and you knew that when you got with me, Stony. THREE years ago! It's a little late to be picking up on the fact that I don't LIKE to work now, don'tcha think?
Stony
You about to be struggling for air cause I'm gonna choke the HELL out of you.
Z
(appalled)
WHAT is wrong with you? We're out in public and you're threatening my LIFE? I should go report you to that cop sitting over there.
Stony
(confident)
Go ahead. Cops only help tax payers so--have a field day.
Z
(upset)
That was the ULTIMATE shade.
Suddenly, Z gets yanked away by the dog who is running after another dog, he starts screaming off screen. Stony smiles.
Stony
Now THAT was the ultimate shade, mary. Baby, I'm coming!...watch that
There's a loud crash!
Stony
(making an "ow" face)
Pond.
Scene 4
Lisa's-Interior-Boyfriendz Table
January 21, 2009. Wednesday night. The Boyfriendz are at Lisa's, having drinks as they usually do after a long day.
Julian
So THAN after the cops came to ARREST Lamar Catoe...
Z
(taking a bite of his salad)
Who's Lamar Catoe?
Julian
Oh, that's "Energy's" real name.
Darnell
Why does that name sound so familiar?
Julian
They told us that he's actual a mental patient with some CRAZY fetish for mirrors who escaped from the mental hospital. After that I kinda started to realize why he kept licking his reflection during the audition.
Stony
That's crazy. So basically you wasted your time for no reason.
Julian
Well...
Darnell
You met a guy.
Julian
(trying to hide it)
No I didn't.
Darnell
Yeah you did. Your eyes got all twinkly, your teeth are showing when you smile. Either you met a guy or you just farted.
Z
I really hope it's the first one.
Julian
Ok, I DID meet someone but it's NOT what you think...
(makes a sad face)
I wish it was what you were thinking though. Why do I always meet straight guys who have NO problem with gay people? It's so much easier to deal with men and their homophobia than men who are actually cool with homosexuals.
I wish it was what you were thinking though. Why do I always meet straight guys who have NO problem with gay people? It's so much easier to deal with men and their homophobia than men who are actually cool with homosexuals.
Z
What kind of straight guys do you want to meet?
Julian
The kind that Darnell meet. The ones who turn out to be Bisexual .
Stony
Darnell's the bisexual one, Julian. Buy him something and he gets VERY, VERY sexual.
Darnell
At least they can afford to buy me something, what do you get from this low life over here ? Contagious outbreaks?
Z
How do you read me when I'm not even talking?
Darnell
I couldn't think of anything for him so I had to go with an easy target.
(to Julian)
And SOME of them are bisexual. The rest are just..."wowed" by all of this and can't help themselves to a taste.
Z
Or they're drunk as hell after a night at the club like Raul was. How are THOSE sexual assault charges coming by the way?
Darnell gives him a look.
Stony
Look Julian, we ALL know that you don't have a gaydar like every other gay man does. Well, you do have one, it's just--a little off.
Julian
I don't believe in "gaydars". I mean, how can you honestly tell if a guy is interested or not, ESPECIALLY when he says he's straight?
Stony
There are plenty of signals you get, you just gotta know what to look for.
Z
Like for example...if you're with a heterosexual man, they normally don't like to be too close to you. So if you invade his space just a little bit and he doesn't look like he wants to punch you in the face? That's one way to know.
Darnell
Or if when you "accidently" touch his crotch cause you "accidently" drop your chap stick in his lap and you end up on the roof of your building playing the naughty cop and bad robber? You definitely know then.
Stony
But of course that only happens to you, Darnell, cause the last time I tried playing naughty cop and bad robber with a guy...
Z gives him a look.
StonyWas so long ago that I can't even remember, I love you ba...
Z
(cuts him off)
Don't talk to me, you disgust me.
(rolls eyes)
So what is this "straight" man like?
Julian
Well, his name is Vernon and he's amazing! He works at some clothing store in SoHo as the manager.
(gets a little more excited)
He does volunteer work on the weekends. He boxes, he has a dog! He dances...
DarnellWell, damn! Did you go to the Hall of Records and RESEARCH the minimum wage store clerk or something?!
Julian
Store MANAGER.
DarnellIt's a retail store. They're ALL clerks to me when I go in there and shop.
Julian
(sighs)
I forgot you think that people who work in retail are your bonified slaves.
Darnell
I like to think of them more like..."attire gathering assistants".
Z(looks at Darnell crazy)
You're a mess, girl. A mess.
Darnell
How do you say it?
(mocks Z)
"I'm tired of all this hateration from the girls, hunnay."
Stony
You forgot to flip your imaginary hair like this crazy one does.
You forgot to flip your imaginary hair like this crazy one does.
Julian
Back to me guys, please! The reason why I know all of that stuff about him is because we talked before the audition. A LOT, actually. He didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable that I was gay, we just kept talking about, well, everything.
Z
It could mean one of two things. Either he's straight and just very gay friendly or...
Darnell
He's waiting for you to give him the green light to make a move on you...
Stony
So make the move, dammit and ask questions later.
Z
(looks at him, upset)Because that's what your whorish ass would do, right? You know what, I'm sick of you. I want a divorce.
Stony
(looks dumbfounded)
You have to have a ring first to get divorced andddd, I know I aint got no receipt for THAT purchase.
Z
Why DON'T I have a ring?
Stony
The same reason you don't have a job, cause you didn't do anything to get one!
Darnell and Julian laugh at the joke and than Darnell gets a look of recognition on his face.
Darnell
Lamar Catoe! I slept with him!
(They all look shocked)
That's WHY I remember his name!
(looks at Z)
Eat your words heifer, I CAN remember the men that I sleep with.
Z
Who'd you sleep with last night?
Darnell
(confident)
Jamal...no...
(even more confident)
Bobby! Yup, it was definitely Bobby.
Julian
Didn't you tell me it was the spanish clean up guy in your building, Jorge?
Darnell
Boo, I don't know, they all just start to bleed together after awhile.
End of "Pilot pt. 1"
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