Ep. 2, Scene 2 Darnell and Z's Problem

Z and Stony's Apartment-Living Room


Julian and Stony are sitting on seperate couches, watching television. It's later in the evening.


Julian(amazed)
Britney has made the most AMAZING comeback ever! God, I would give up sex for a year if I could dance in one of her videos.



Stony
(confused)
And that would make this what? Your second consecutive year in a row without sex? I don't know how you haven't lost your mind yet, strapped down in a padded cell.



Julian
Who says I don't have sex?



Stony
Just the cobwebs in your pants, that's all.
(sits up, acts like he's looking at something)
And I THINK, I might have seen a bat or two fly out of there as well.



(Julian makes a face. Z comes in with bags and so does Darnell)



Darnell
Will you MOVE your FAT ass out of my way!

(They both try to get through the door but the bags they're holding get them stuck in the doorway)



Z
Fat? Um, look at me.



Darnell
Please, don't make me.


(They squeeze through the door finally and walk into the living room, seeing Julian and Stony sitting on the couch)



Z
You couldn't help me with all these bags, baby? You're so selfish.



Stony
You just got in here and already you're on my back, I can't win for losing.



Darnell
(puts his two bags down on the floor and sits next to Julian)
You got stuck with her, you already lost dummy.


Z
(smiling, sits down next to Stony)
I'm in such a good mode that not even the...
(to Darnell)
"BITCH Who Stole Christmas" could irritate me, today. Hi, baby.
(kisses him on the cheek)
You didn't even ask me how work was.



Stony
That's because I DON'T wanna know.



Z
Ugh, you're STILL mad?! Stony, it's been a week already! I don't get you, you've been asking me--no, you've been threatening me with bodily harm to get a job for the past, oh I don't know...



Darnell
(chiming in; looking through the classifieds)
Two years, six months, and twenty seven days.



Julian
(looks at Darnell)
How do you know that?



Darnell
(non-chalantly)
I've been keeping a tally. You know...
(smiles)
Something to keep me from dying of boredom whenever you three bitches start rambling on bout your dull lives.



Julian
(sighing)
That's a little pathetic.



Darnell
And so is the fact that you haven't had sex in...
(pulls out his iPhone and presses a key)
Eight months, three weeks, and sixteen days but you don't see me HURLING insults at you!


(Julian looks shocked at what Darnell said)



Julian
Has it really BEEN that long? Eight months?
(looks down his pants quickly; smiles)
Was just--checking for cobwebs.


Z
(looking back to Stony)
Ok, we are going to get this settled right now. Group consensus. Do you guys think it's wrong for me to be working?



Julian/Darnell
No.



Stony
Do you think that it's RIGHT for him to be working as a "gay housewife"?



Julian/Darnell
(look at each other; thinks it over)
Yes.



Z
Is it wrong that for the past five days I've gotten paid AND...
(looks at Stony)
Given you money for anything you've asked for.



Julian/Darnell
No.



Stony
And is it wrong for him to be cleaning, cooking, and busting his ass for another man when he can't do it here at home?



Julian/Darnell
(pause)
Hell yes!



(Z looks like she was ready for them to say "no" so is caught off guard by their answer)



Z
(shaking his head; disappointed)
This was supposed to work out such a different way, you two are fired.



Darnell
Speaking of fired...can I HIRE one of you to FIRE my incompetent assistant. I would do it myself but she's old and I don't wanna go to hell for putting the elderly out on the street.


Z
You don't have to worry about that, Darnell. You're already going to hell for putting OUT--everytime someone slightly cute walks by. Putting the elderly out on the street is just gonna get you a first class ticket on the devil's airline.



Julian
What's wrong with Estelle? Hasn't she been working for you since you started Brooks Reality?


Darnell
(frustrated)
Yes! And each day, I lose a little bit more of my patience with her. And my mind. Julian, I don't wanna go to jail for beating an old lady with a phonebook, can you PLEASE fire her for me? Please!
(smiling brightly)
I'll pay for those new headshots you wanted.



Julian
(gives him a look)
Thanks but I um, already got my headshots.



Stony
How? Weren't they like five hundred dollars?



Julian
Yeah.



Z
And weren't you saying that you only had five cents TOWARDS the five hundred?


Julian
Yeah.



Darnell
So how in the hell did you get the rest of the money?
(eyes widen as if he realized something)
You whored yourself out, didn't you? I knew it! And all these jokes about ME sleeping with men for money...welcome to the club, boo, I'm so proud of you!
(hugs him)



Julian
(ignores Darnell)
I DIDN'T sleep with anybody.
(to Darnell)
And YOU need help. Church. Electroshock THERAPY maybe.



(Z and Stony laugh)



Julian
Vernon lent me the money so...



Z
Wait, Vernon "lent" you five hundred dollars?


Julian
(unsure)
Yeahhhh. He needed to get some headshots too so he just paid for both of ours, you know, kinda like the time Darnell paid for those group massages for us.



Stony
(suggestively)
Only YOU was the one doing the massaging this time, mary.



Darnell
Musta been one hell of a massage to get him to give you five hundred dollars!
(looking back in the classifieds)
I don't care what you say, you slept with him. And if you didn't? Than I will.



Z
Vernon doesn't WANT you.



Darnell
(still looking at the classifieds)
And STONY DON'T want you! He's probably trying to save HIS trip from hell by taking in the needy animals from the community.



Stony
(looks at Z)
Baby, I really want you to quit that job.



Darnell
(smiles)
And I got the perfect job for you, girl...you wanna fire an old lady? I'll pay for your headshots.



Z
(pause)
I don't need headshots.



Darnell
Oh, right. That's Julian. Ok, I'll pay for your kibbles and bits for the whole week but that's my FINAL offer.

(Julian and Stony laugh while Z glares at Darnell).

End of Scene.

Do you think Darnell will find a new assistant?

Why did Vernon spend five hundred dollars on Julian?

And who's right in their arguement, Z or Stony?

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