Ep. 4, "Z and Julian's Master Plan

Scene 3 from Episode 4, "Sherlock Homo"



Lisa's-Interior-Table



Julian is sitting down at the table, sipping on a drink when Z runs in and sits down. He's visibly out of breath.


Julian
Are you...ok?


Z
(breathless)
Darnell...doesn't know...I'm go--go...oh girl, I think I'm about to see them pearly gates.
(drinks some Julian's water; throws ice on his face)



Julian
You snuck out of work?


Z
Darnell was in a meeting with a client so aint NO point in me staying there BORED as HELL I can only have but SO much fun ordering wigs on Darnell's company credit card! After awhile it gets kinda...



Julian
Illegal? Fradualent?


Z
Addicting, mary! I ordered me enough wigs to last a YEAR. I ALMOST started to buy some costumes too but I figured I'd--be nice and...



Julian
Reduce your federal prison sentence by choosing to not STEAL more of Darnell's money to fund your drag career.


Z
Girl, that it is LEGAL. That's what PRETTY cash is forrrrr. To BUY pretty things!



Julian
(laughs)
It's PETTY cash.



Z
And this is a PETTY conversation that's WASTING both out time. So what was SOOOO important that you felt the need to interrupt my WORK, shopping experience?


Julian
THIS.



Julian hands Z Vernon's phone that he found earlier, there's a picture of him and Julian making funny faces as his screen saver.



Z
Awww. Don't you guys look like the cutest, confusing, gay straight couple ever.
(hands the phone back to see)
You going through it, girl? Putting pictures of you and your "unrequited love" on your phone. Is that why you called me?



Julian
No. Well, yeah, I AM going through it but that's not why I called you. This ISN'T my phone...it's Vernon's.


Z
(angry)
You stole that boy's phone?! Oh lord. Ok, ok, ok, don't panic.
(calms himself)
My bestfriend's gone "Crazy In Love" like Beyonce over Jay-Z! YOU'VE become a stalker!
(softly; concerned)
Julian, we will get you the help you need...



Julian
You need to stop watching "Snapped" causeee--you a little snapped yaself. Vernon came to the dance studio today during one my classes and he dropped his phone when he left. Of course, that was after he ripped me a new one for igging him the past week.



Z
Does he understand the concept you snooze, you lose? If he doesn't wanna accept that he likes men and wants to keep leading you on, than you need to go out there and do you, boo. And that's exactly what you did, aint nothing wrong with that.



Julian
But I didn't, Z. I didn't stop talking to Vernon because I wanted to talk to other guys. I did it because I didn't wanna deal with my feelings for HIM but...after today, after the way he talked to me...I don't know. Maybe I should just put it out there finally and hope for the best no matter WHAT the outcome is.



Z
Or look like a FOOL! Julian, you've tried...



Julian
NO, I haven't. I always THINK about--saying--SOMETHING, ANTYHING to him about how I feel but...



Z
(understanding)You don't wanna be rejected.



Julian
(pause)
Yeah. Pretty much.



Z
Well, you called the right bitch cause WE? About to find out what the hell's going on with Vernon, voluntarily or involuntarily.



(Z pulls out some gloves from his bag)



Julian
(shocked)
Wh--what are the gloves for? Why do you have rubber gloves in your bag?



Z
Oh, so you choose NOW to ask questions? You shoulda been asking Vernon questions! Now just stop being nosy and let mama work. Gimme that phone.



Julian hands him the phone.



Julian
Um Z...where are we going?



Z
To Vernon's house.



Julian
Vernon's at work.



Z
Well duh, I would hope the hell so. Him being home means I can't use my kit.




Julian
What ki...?
(decides not to ask)
Nevermind, let's go.
(gets up from the table)
Wait, don't you have to go back to work?



Z
(not caring)
Mary, I've been off the clock since my lunch break, let's pump boo.


Julian and Z leave Lisa's.

Ep.3, Z Signs Her Soul To The Devil

Scene 1

Lisa's-Interior

Z, Darnell, and Julian are sitting at a table, eating lunch, and talking. Z is looking through the paper.

Julian

Soooo Darnell, have you found a new assistant yet?

Darnell

(scoffs)

Please, in this recession? I'll be lucky if I find someone to clean the dust off of poor Estelle's desk.

Julian

Really? I thought people would be jumping at the chance to work at Brooks Reality? It's one of the most talked about real estate companies in New Jersey.

Z

(looking through the paper)

And Darnell's the most talked about, dug out, boss in the tri-state area. I'm kinda surprised that this ad you posted in the paper hasn't bursted into flames yet...

(gets a look from Darnell)

Well, I'M JUST SAYING! When the Prince of Darkess puts an ad in the paper to BUY someone's soul, eventually the paper's gonna go UP in fiery flames! And we all know Darnell is the Prince of Darkness reincarnated.

Julian

(laughs)

Are we going out this weekend? It's Friday and I feel that we haven't gone out in a VERY long time together.

(pouts)

I miss us hanging out.

Z

Well, we miss you too. Seeing as how we don't see you that much anymore since you've been playing with your new toy.

Julian

(confused)

New toy? What are you talking about, Z?

Darnell

She's TALKING about Vernon and the fact that you spend almost everyday with him. I'M starting to feel neglected. So either start dating the store clerk or DROP him because HE'S messing up the group dynamic AND YOUR Darnell time.

Julian

(gives Darnell a look)

You're jealous.DarnellUm yeah, you're MY bestfriend, not his. What's he giving you that I'm not, huh?

Julian

(thinks)

I HAVE been spending a lot of time with him, haven't I? You know sometimes it feels like we're dating but he's not gay. I'm dating a straight man.

(makes a face)

Normally, that would be my fantasy but now it's kinda starting to become...frustrating. Both mentally and sexually.

Z

(to Darnell)

You wanna know WHY Julian would rather spend time torturing himself with daydreams about Vernon that are never going to come true than hang out with you? Because unlike you, Vernon probably shows more interest in Julian than he does himself. You're very self absorbed and that can be--what's the word I'm looking for? Annoying--to a person.

(Julian and Darnell both look at Z funny)

Z

Just thought I'd put in my two cents.

Darnell

(a little soft)

I give Julian attention.

(to Julian)

I give you A LOT of attention.

Julian

Darnell, we've been friends since high school, going on years now. I know that the most important thing in your life is--well you--and everyone else comes second. It used to annoy me but now I'm just used to it. And I love you for who you are.

Z

And it's sad that you need to get used to your "bestfriend" throwing you to the side, Julian. Darnell is a HORRIBLE person and a HORRIBLE friend...

(to Darnell; smiling)

But I love you.

Darnell

(looks hurt)

Well, if I would have known this was beat up on Darnell day, I would have brought Z's special ed helmet to wear on my head. If you two hate me so much than why are you friends with me?

Julian

We don't HATE you, Darnell. We could NEVER hate you.

Z

Hm, speak for yourself.

Darnell

(gives Z a look)

Seriously though.

(looks like he cares)

You guys--really think that I'm THAT superficial, self-centered, and egostical?

Julian

(looks at Z; unsure)

I wouldn't call it all of that...

Z

I would! And probably a little bit more stuff that would have to be bleeped out.

Darnell

(pause)

You guys think I'm such a bad person? Ok, how about this? Z, have you found a job yet ever since you QUIT that housewife thing you were doing so your "boyfriend" didn't have to STRUGGLE to pay bills with that--blue collar paycheck he gets? Which by the way was stupid as hell. No matter what Stony said, you was getting paid boo.

Z

(sighs; depressed)

Don't remind me. Now I'm back to fishing for bookings and playing housewife to Stony and HE doesn't think he should pay me for my "pre-destined" duties of doing the house work. That man THINKS that I'm SUPPOSED to take care of him, isn't that crazy?

(Julian and Darnell both look at Z a little funny)

Julian

Well Z...Stony DOES bring home the majority of the money and pays for the bills.

Darnell

Majority? Stony brings home ALL the money...

(to Z)

All YOU bring home is the germs and bacteria from playing in the dumpster with the rest of your litter.

Julian

(interjecting)

BUT, we all know that you can work now. IF the pay is right for you. So all you NEED to do is find a job that pays you what your last job was paying or better.

Z

Where am I gonna find a job that pays me weekly for just basically catering to someone else's needs and waiting on them hand and foot?

Darnell

(brightly; smiling)

Start selling your soul, bitch because you're hired as my new assistant!

Z

(laughing loudly)

Oh--Oh God, that's funny! That's--that's funny, Darnell! Boy, you ARE hilarious!

Darnell

It pays four hundred a week.

(Z stops laughing and starts packing up his food in a take out plate)

Julian

What are you doing?

Z

Wrapping up this food so I have something to eat. Gonna work up an appetite after I finish dusting off Estelle's desk.

(Darnell and Julian laugh).

End of Scene.

Do you think Z and Darnell will make it through the day without killing each other at Z's new job?

Is Julian spending too much time with Vernon and neglecting his friends?

Send comments to twitter.com/Boyfriendznews

Ep. 2 Darnell "Fires" Estelle!!!

Darnell's Office-Interior


It's night time, Darnell is still looking in the classifieds for a new assistant.


Darnell
(frustrated; hits the intercom)
Estelle, can I see you for a minute?



Estelle
(on intercom)
Of course, sir.


(A few moments later, Estelle walks in with her things since she is packing up and ready to leave for the evening)


Estelle
(smiling)
What can I do for you, Mr.Brooks?



Darnell
(bluntly)
We need to talk about your position here at Brooks Reality. You've been wonderful for the past year and I can't say ENOUGH how much I...
(trying to find a lie)
APPRECIATE! Your--orthopedic shoes. Those are sicknen, bitch, where'd you get em'?


Estelle
(laughs a little)
Oh! Thank you, Mr.Brooks. You know, they do have them in your size. I saw that you walk a little slew footed.


Darnell
(biting his tongue)
Girl, I am gonna miss your compliements, Estelle. You're just...
(forces a smile)
Always so insightful. And shady.
(serious)
But back to the point.


Estelle
(smiling)
Before you finish, I just wanted to say sir that working for you his past year has been the highlight of my life. I feel so--ALIVE and active. Thank you for taking a chance on an old woman.


Darnell
(looks like he feels bad but doesn't want to)
You're--welcome, Estelle. Working with you this past year has been...an experience. A very different, very--hell, it's just been an experience.


Estelle
(still smiling)
Likewise, sir. Now...what did you need before I left for the evening?


(Darnell wants to fire her but can't bring himself to do it. He sees a paperweight on the table and picks it up, holding it out to her)


Darnell
(forced smile)
Here. It's your one year anniversary present.


(Estelle takes the paperweight and looks genuinely pleased)


Estelle
(happy)
Why THANK YOU, sir. This is one of the nicest things anyone's ever given to me.


(Darnell looks like he wants to kill himself)


Darnell
(long sigh; fake smile)
I'm never gonna get rid of you, am I?


Estelle
(smiling)
Nope. Until I die, you'll be stuck with me forever.
(looks at watch)
I should really get going. Old lady like me driving at night isn't always safe.
(turns around; starts walking to the door)


Darnell
(bends down behind his desk; locking up his things)
It's not safe for you to be up in here either...
(under his breath)
With all these sharp objects laying around.


Estelle
What did you say, sir?


Darnell
(playing it off)
I said it's not safe for you in here either. You know, with it being so late and all. Somebody could just come along and trip ya down the stairs...
(gets a look on his face like he's forming a plan)
Or cut the elevator cord when you're GOING downstairs. In the elevator.


Estelle
(laughs a little)
Oh, I'm always careful sir. But thank you for showing you care.


(Estelle leaves Darnell's office)


Darnell
Yeah, I care...about getting the right coffee, you nut.

(Darnell looks on his desk, seeing the paperweight gone and realizes something as his eyes go wide)


Darnell
Oh hell to the no! That was a three hundred dollar paperweight!


(Darnell runs to the door and opens it, calling after Estelle whose getting on the elevator doors. As they're closing, she waves goodbye to Darnell)


Darnell
Estelle, wait! Gimme that paperweight back! I got you a sicknen...
(looks around; grabs the pen from his pocket)
PEN! You WILL work this pen, boo...
(starts walking to the elevator)
Granny, you will NOT get me tonight, gimme it!

End of Scene.


Who is Darnell going to get to replace Estelle?!?!

Send comments to twitter.com/Boyfriendznews

Ep 2. Scene 3. Vernon and Julian After Go-Kartin!

Scene 3


Vernon's Apartment-Living Room


Vernon and Julian are playing a video game on XBOX 360, they both look very into it. Vernon's in a wifebeater, Julian keeps glancing over to get a look at him but tries to keep his eye on the game.



Vernon
(intensely looking at tv)
Oh, so you wanna take a shortcut.



Julian
Don't get mad at me cause you can't drive, I see why your license was suspended til like the end of time.


Vernon
Eighteen but I really didn't care back then.
(moves the remotre control crazily)
Oh, I can drive! I can dri...
(A loud screech is heard and than a crash, followed by an explosion)



Julian
(trying to hold back his laugh)
Yeah, you can drive. Right into a wall.


Vernon
(shakes his head)
This game is rigged. There's no way a car can go THAT fast, it SHOULDN'T go that fast. I mean, if people were meant to drive at those speeds, we would have born with jetpacks on our backs and rockets on our feet.


Julian
Is--that your way of saying "I'm a sore loser and I just got my ass kicked by a gay guy"--without--really, saying it?

Vernon
(thinks about it)
Pretty much.


(Julian laughs. Vernon gets up from the couch and turns the game off, putting the tv back on)


Vernon
Sooo, what do you wanna do now?



Julian
You are JUST full of energy today. First, you take me to the batting cages...
(apologetic)
Sorry for getting us kicked out by the way.


Vernon
Hey, it's cool. They were overreacting anyway. It's not like the knot on the guy's head was THAT big. You just hit him with the bat...
(thinks about it; confused expression)
Twice.



Julian
(smiles embarrassed)
THAN we go to drive go-carts, THAN we come back here so you can get spanked in a video game...


Vernon
(jokingly)
Yeah, I'm sure you would like THAT, huh? You got some kink in you, don't you.


Julian
Boy, please. Don't NOBODY want you.
(in his head)
Except for me and every part of my body that can function whenever you're around.
(aloud)
Why do you straight men ALWAYS think that gay men want you? It's a little insulting cause most of ya'll? Not that cute.


Vernon
(holds his chest)
I'm hurt. And most of the time, we're right. A lot of gay guys DO want to be with straight men. It's like a fantasy thing.


Julian
(sighing)
That's the perception you have because of society. But in all actuality, most gay men don't even THINK about pursuing a straight man because it's pointless...unless they show some kind of interest, than all bets are off.



Vernon
(nodding his head)
I see. So what you're saying is that if a straight guy DOESN'T give you any kind of advances and you like him, you WON'T try to make a move on him?


Julian
Exactly.
(backtracks)
Well, unless you're Darnell. He'll make a move on anything with a wallet and something dangling between their legs...
(thinks about something)
He's probably putting my hair into a bowl and saying some kind of gypsy incantation on me right now for what I just said.


Vernon
(pause)
Why don't we put your little theory to the test, hmmm?


Julian
How?

Scene cuts to...

Secrets-Interior
Julian and Vernon are standing in the gay bar/club, "Secrets", that the Boyfriendz frequent. Julian looks at Vernon.


Julian
I can't believe you CAME here...what are we here for again?


Vernon
To see if what you said is true. I'm a straight, eligible, VERY good looking man--let's see who bites.


(They start walking to the bar)


Julian
So you're proactively looking for guys to hit on you just so you can what--prove me wrong?


Vernon
(thinks about it)
Yup. I have this thing about being right, I've been on a good streak lately and I'm not gonna let YOU ruin that.


Julian
I guess you should have a good streak in something since you suck at video games.


(Julian smiles innocently and Vernon gives him a look).

End of Scene.

Do you think if a straight man goes to a gay bar proactively that he's bi-curious?

Should Julian just tell Vernon that he's feeling him?

Send comments to tiwtter.com/Boyfriendznews

Ep. 2, Scene 2 Darnell and Z's Problem

Z and Stony's Apartment-Living Room


Julian and Stony are sitting on seperate couches, watching television. It's later in the evening.


Julian(amazed)
Britney has made the most AMAZING comeback ever! God, I would give up sex for a year if I could dance in one of her videos.



Stony
(confused)
And that would make this what? Your second consecutive year in a row without sex? I don't know how you haven't lost your mind yet, strapped down in a padded cell.



Julian
Who says I don't have sex?



Stony
Just the cobwebs in your pants, that's all.
(sits up, acts like he's looking at something)
And I THINK, I might have seen a bat or two fly out of there as well.



(Julian makes a face. Z comes in with bags and so does Darnell)



Darnell
Will you MOVE your FAT ass out of my way!

(They both try to get through the door but the bags they're holding get them stuck in the doorway)



Z
Fat? Um, look at me.



Darnell
Please, don't make me.


(They squeeze through the door finally and walk into the living room, seeing Julian and Stony sitting on the couch)



Z
You couldn't help me with all these bags, baby? You're so selfish.



Stony
You just got in here and already you're on my back, I can't win for losing.



Darnell
(puts his two bags down on the floor and sits next to Julian)
You got stuck with her, you already lost dummy.


Z
(smiling, sits down next to Stony)
I'm in such a good mode that not even the...
(to Darnell)
"BITCH Who Stole Christmas" could irritate me, today. Hi, baby.
(kisses him on the cheek)
You didn't even ask me how work was.



Stony
That's because I DON'T wanna know.



Z
Ugh, you're STILL mad?! Stony, it's been a week already! I don't get you, you've been asking me--no, you've been threatening me with bodily harm to get a job for the past, oh I don't know...



Darnell
(chiming in; looking through the classifieds)
Two years, six months, and twenty seven days.



Julian
(looks at Darnell)
How do you know that?



Darnell
(non-chalantly)
I've been keeping a tally. You know...
(smiles)
Something to keep me from dying of boredom whenever you three bitches start rambling on bout your dull lives.



Julian
(sighing)
That's a little pathetic.



Darnell
And so is the fact that you haven't had sex in...
(pulls out his iPhone and presses a key)
Eight months, three weeks, and sixteen days but you don't see me HURLING insults at you!


(Julian looks shocked at what Darnell said)



Julian
Has it really BEEN that long? Eight months?
(looks down his pants quickly; smiles)
Was just--checking for cobwebs.


Z
(looking back to Stony)
Ok, we are going to get this settled right now. Group consensus. Do you guys think it's wrong for me to be working?



Julian/Darnell
No.



Stony
Do you think that it's RIGHT for him to be working as a "gay housewife"?



Julian/Darnell
(look at each other; thinks it over)
Yes.



Z
Is it wrong that for the past five days I've gotten paid AND...
(looks at Stony)
Given you money for anything you've asked for.



Julian/Darnell
No.



Stony
And is it wrong for him to be cleaning, cooking, and busting his ass for another man when he can't do it here at home?



Julian/Darnell
(pause)
Hell yes!



(Z looks like she was ready for them to say "no" so is caught off guard by their answer)



Z
(shaking his head; disappointed)
This was supposed to work out such a different way, you two are fired.



Darnell
Speaking of fired...can I HIRE one of you to FIRE my incompetent assistant. I would do it myself but she's old and I don't wanna go to hell for putting the elderly out on the street.


Z
You don't have to worry about that, Darnell. You're already going to hell for putting OUT--everytime someone slightly cute walks by. Putting the elderly out on the street is just gonna get you a first class ticket on the devil's airline.



Julian
What's wrong with Estelle? Hasn't she been working for you since you started Brooks Reality?


Darnell
(frustrated)
Yes! And each day, I lose a little bit more of my patience with her. And my mind. Julian, I don't wanna go to jail for beating an old lady with a phonebook, can you PLEASE fire her for me? Please!
(smiling brightly)
I'll pay for those new headshots you wanted.



Julian
(gives him a look)
Thanks but I um, already got my headshots.



Stony
How? Weren't they like five hundred dollars?



Julian
Yeah.



Z
And weren't you saying that you only had five cents TOWARDS the five hundred?


Julian
Yeah.



Darnell
So how in the hell did you get the rest of the money?
(eyes widen as if he realized something)
You whored yourself out, didn't you? I knew it! And all these jokes about ME sleeping with men for money...welcome to the club, boo, I'm so proud of you!
(hugs him)



Julian
(ignores Darnell)
I DIDN'T sleep with anybody.
(to Darnell)
And YOU need help. Church. Electroshock THERAPY maybe.



(Z and Stony laugh)



Julian
Vernon lent me the money so...



Z
Wait, Vernon "lent" you five hundred dollars?


Julian
(unsure)
Yeahhhh. He needed to get some headshots too so he just paid for both of ours, you know, kinda like the time Darnell paid for those group massages for us.



Stony
(suggestively)
Only YOU was the one doing the massaging this time, mary.



Darnell
Musta been one hell of a massage to get him to give you five hundred dollars!
(looking back in the classifieds)
I don't care what you say, you slept with him. And if you didn't? Than I will.



Z
Vernon doesn't WANT you.



Darnell
(still looking at the classifieds)
And STONY DON'T want you! He's probably trying to save HIS trip from hell by taking in the needy animals from the community.



Stony
(looks at Z)
Baby, I really want you to quit that job.



Darnell
(smiles)
And I got the perfect job for you, girl...you wanna fire an old lady? I'll pay for your headshots.



Z
(pause)
I don't need headshots.



Darnell
Oh, right. That's Julian. Ok, I'll pay for your kibbles and bits for the whole week but that's my FINAL offer.

(Julian and Stony laugh while Z glares at Darnell).

End of Scene.

Do you think Darnell will find a new assistant?

Why did Vernon spend five hundred dollars on Julian?

And who's right in their arguement, Z or Stony?

Send comments to twitter.com/boyfriendznews

Wanna Know About Julian and Vernon's "date"? Here's your answer!

Scene 8



Julian's House-Interior-BedroomJanuary 23rd, 2009.
Later that night. Julian is walking around his room in his shorts and wifebeater, combing his hair with the phone on the mantle in front of him.

Julian
Vernon is so funny! He said that the reason why girls turn into lesbians are because they can't handle men with big...

Scene cuts to...

Z and Stony's Apartment-Interior-Bedroom
Z and Stony are laying in a brand new bed and their apartment also had brand new furniture in it as well.



Z
Use disney friendly language, potty mouth...



Julian
With big...egos. Since when don't you appreciate the fine art of vulgarity?



Z looks over at the couch, a little kid is laying on the couch sleeping. Stony comes into the room and lays in the bed.


Z
I have an impressionable young child here, I can't be sending the children out into the world cussing like sailors, hunnay.



Julian
What child?


Z
I'm babysitting for my cousin, you know she leaves her kids here to go shake her ass at the club.


Stony
Like that's good language for the child.


Z
Ass is not a curse! Ass is in the dictionary, it's a part of the body.


Darnell
Part of the body that you need desperately!


Darnell's House-Interior-Bedroom
Darnell is putting on his nightly lotions, sitting on the edge of his bed.



Darnell
I swear Z, your ass is SO flat it looks like if you sat down, you would fold right the hell up like a pull out couch.



Julian
(laughs)
That was a good one, Darnell.



Z
(unphased)
Which is the reason why BOTH of you are laying at home in an empty bed, manless and lonely. Eat it, bitches.


Julian
(pouts)
You guyssss, we had such a great time. Vernon actually wanted to go eat first, after boxing he has a big appetite. Ugh, I love that about him.


Stony
So you went to go eat first and than you went to the movies?



Julian
Yup and the movie was good too, you guys should see it, it really IS Jada's comeback role.



Z
Jada was just bored from spending all the money my husband makes, she'll make another movie in another five years when she gets bored again.


Darnell
Your HUSSSBAND? Stony, I didn't know you turned to the darkside, go get that fish boo!



Stony
She was talking about Will Smith and I TOLD you about...
(he hits Z softly in the mouth)
Playing like that. Will Smith is MY husband.JulianI wish Vernon was my husband...



Z
See, you're doing it already. DON'T rush into things.



Julian
But I'm not, I'm just expressing my thoughts, I KNOW he's not my husband...for the most part.


Z
So how did the night end?



JulianW
Well, he dropped me off and we talked in his car for about thirty minutes. I don't know how but we were talking about Michelle Obama...why her hair is so big.



Darnell
I HAVE always thought that! I think she's hiding her piece in there if anybody try to come after her man. Ya know, Chalie Annnngel. Well, she better watch out cause I got one too and it's only a matter of time before I get my man back.



Julian
Back? You act like you've had him before.


Darnell
There's a lot you don't know about me. I bet you didn't know that I'm a prince in a small village in Bulgaria.



Stony
Barack Obama don't want you!...He wants me.


Z
(smacks him on the arm)
STOP talking about my husband like that, it's rude!



JulianY
ou guys are CRAZY! Barack Obama is worrying about the economic depression we're going through, he don't got TIME to be worrying about you three.


Z
(sighs)They just don't know how to keep their whorish selves closed, hunnay, I don't understand! But anyway, so basically...


Stony
It sounds like he likes you, mary.


Julian
(smiling)
Sometimes, when he's talking to me and our eyes meet for a few seconds longer than they should...I think he does. But, than I snap back to Earth when he looked at the waitress' butt at the diner after the movies.



Stony
Wait, you went to eat AGAIN after the movies? That's my kind of man.



Z
So I gotta be a fat ass to get you to show me some kind of affection?



Stony
All you gotta do is get a paystub and I'll show you more affection than man's bestfriend.



Darnell
Well, you got the closest thing to it right next to you.



Z
Darnell, I would come back with some snappy comment to make you feel about the size of your small heart but I'm not. Because even though you got our stuff blown up, you DID replace it with some very nice things. So thank you.



Darnell
It sounded like it hurt to say that.



Z
Oh, believe me it did.



Stony
You did go all out. Laying in this bed is like ASKING to oversleep, this building will not be secure at 9 o clock in the morning tomorrow.



Julian
I would feel really safe with a security guard that sleeps on the job. I hope the tenants don't get wind of that, you might get shanked.



Darnell
See, I'm not all that bad. Stony, just make sure Z doesn't get any of her pet dander on the bed, that is chaffon and the smell will NOT come out.
(he looks at the clock, he yawns).
I gotta get my beauty rest, as the cute one of the group I cannot be looking all worn and drawn out like you three.



Stony
Who said YOU were the cute one?



DarnellI thought it was obvious, duh. I'm the cute one, Julian's the innocent one, you're the blunt one, and Z's the bitch.



Z
If a BITCH calls me a BITCH again today, I'm gonna go off.


Darnell
Point proven.
(he cuts his light off)
Goodnight people.


Darnell hangs up and cuddles next to his picture of Young Jeezy.


Darnell
(smiling big)
Goodnight, Jeezy.



Z
That boy is a mess and a half, I swear. I'm mad he got us this furniture cause now everytime I wanna yell at him I'm just gonna lay on my five hundred dollar couch.


Julian
Oh my God, that's Vernon! Hold on!
(he clicks over for a moment and than comes back, laughing)
He wants to talk about General Hospital, he watches my favorite soap opera! I think I'm being punked.



Stony
Go talk to your boo, mary.



Julian
He's not my BOO...



Z
Yeah, yeah, tell us about how good the "Phonography" was tomorrow.


Julian
You're saying that word too?



Z
It's that damn, Britney cd, girl! It's like it has subliminal messages in it.


Julian
Yeah, Darnell's hooked on it too. Ugh, that's Vernon beeping in again. I gotta go.



Stony
Daddy said go, she gotta go hunnay!



Julian
Shut up, Stony. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Bye


Julian hangs up.



Z
Julian is gonna be head over heels in a few weeks, I'm just hoping we don't have to scrap him up off the floor after it's all over cause that's just exhausting.



Stony
(looking through the bills)
And so is looking through this pile of "give me money", "give me money", "give me money". I can't no more.


Z
I know it's hard, baby and I'm sorry for how I've been acting lately with getting a job. You need my help and I love you so I'm going to do my damnest to do that.



Stony
You really mean that?



Z
Of course!



Z's been on his laptop all this time and his eyes light up, seeing something he likes.



Z
I found it! God don't come when you want him but he comes when you need him! Look...




Z shows the screen to Stony.



Stony
(reading)
"Gay Housewife Needed, Payment in cash"...
(angry expression)
WHAT the HELL...?!



Z
(confused)
What?! It's a JOB!



Stony
(pause)
I'm going to sleep. I can't with you no more.



Stony turns over.



Z still looks like he doesn't know what the problem is with being a gay housewife.



Z
(clueless)
What?!

End of Episode.

Boyfriendz Official Episode List

A sneak peek into this season of *Boyfriendz*!

(1) "Pilot" Episode": Julian's dance audition brings someone new into his life, Darnell offers to re-decorate Stony/Z's apartment with ulterior motives, Stony wants Z to find a job.

(2) "She Works Hard For the Money": Stony doesn't agree with Z's new job of choice, Darnell has a problem with his assistant, Julian and Vernon go to a gay club together.

(3) "You Can Find Anything In The Classifieds": Julian must choose between Vernon and his friends, Stony runs into an old flame, Darnell finally gets a surprising assistant.

(4) "Sherlock Homo": Kaiseem makes it evident that he wants Stony back, Z and Julian investigate Vernon's apartment to find out is he's gay, Darnell and Z keep a secret.

(5) "Crash & Burn" (Special Extended Episode): Darnell takes Julian speed dating where he meets a new man, Z meets the infamous Vernon, Stony deals with guilt and gets an ultimatum.

(6) "That's the Gotcha": Darnell is attracted to the competition, Julian and Vernon re-connect while Terrance has a surprise for Julian, Stony has it out with Kaiseem.

(7) "Out of Left Field": Secrets come out amongst theBoyfriends when they get drunk, Julian and Terrance's relationship deepens, Darnell starts to fall for Malik.

(8) "Sickning & In Demand!": The Boyfriendz try to juggle babysitting and a drag show, Vernon returns and makes a shocking confession, Darnell goes back to his old ways.

(9) "Love Makes U Do The Wacky": Love gets three people arrested, Julian finally makes a decision, Darnell has jealousy issues, Stony finds out Z's been keeping something from him.

(10) "First Time 4 Everything": Darnell gets bad news, Vernon and Julian go out on a date, Stony gets advice, Z struggles getting over the past.

(11) "Cat's Outta The Bag": Malik has a surprising reaction to Darnell's confession, Julian gets a proposal, Z meets a psychic, Stony's surprise is ruined.

(12) "Puerto Rico..." (Season Finale, Part 1): Shocks & Scandals occur when the "Boyfriendz" and surprise guests go to Puerto Rico for Z's birthday. The Boyfriendz try to break Darnell's depression, Stony struggles with his proposal, Julian has doubts after he gets an interesting proposal from Vernon.

(13) "....Hoeeeee!" (Season Finale, Part 2) Terrance returns, Darnell's jealousy reaches its' peak, Z has a surprising reaction to Stony's proposal, Julian is faced with a difficult decision.

Which episode do you want to see the most?

Ep 1, Scene 1 Discussion

“BOYFRIENDZ” “Pilot” (1 of 2)

Scene 1
Z and Stony's Apartment--Interior-Living Room
January 21, 2009. Wednesday morning. The show opens up with Z, the "mother" of the Boyfriends crew. He's medium height, light skin, and skinny. Very effeminate but doesn't care what anyone thinks about him and believes he can kick anyone's ass. Usually, the advice giver of the group and has a love hate relationship with Darnell. Z is closest to Julian out of everyone and they consider themselves "gay sisters" for life .Z is cleaning up the living room singing, "Diva" by Beyonce, with her headphones on and her cd player blasting. Julian comes in, dressed in his dance gear.Julian is handsome, short, nicely built and is the nicest one of the group but also the most neurotic, naive, and a little bit "blonde" sometimes. He is the most rational of the Boyfriends but is also the least experienced. Julian has been Z's best friend for years after they met through mutual friends and has a key to his apartment. Hearing Z singing, he walks into the living room and has a horrified look on his face.

Z
(singing)
"Since fifteen in my stiletouttes, been strutting in this game, what's yo age, what's the(inaudible sound, Z makes noise with her mouth)I'ma, I'ma a diva...

Julian
Oh--my--God...WHAT is that ungodly sound coming out of your mouth?

Z

(singing, paying no mind)

You see that maskkkk or that moneyyyyy...

Julian

YOU are NOT Beyonce!

Z(singing)I'ma, I'ma a divaaa--I'ma, I'ma a divaaa...

Julian
(sighing, knowing what he has to say)
You're not Beyonce, you're better bitch!

Z cuts off the music and smiles.

Z
And don't you forget it, hunnay.

Julian
Hi, Z. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to smack you, bring you back to reality You ARE NOT Beyonce.

Z makes a face at him.

Z
I am tired of all this hateration from the girls, hunnay. How ya doing, mary?

Julian smiles, their banter being one of the brighter part of his days.

Julian
Do you really wanna know? I'm nervous as hell. I have this audition at ten-thirty, which is in about THIRTY minutes and I don't think I can do it.

Z
You second guessing yourself, girl, course you CAN'T do it.
(sits down on the other couch)
That's like me saying I'm NOT gonna win the pageant and than...NOT--win the pageant...maybe that's not such a good example.

Julian smirks.

Julian
Your pageants are different, we go into them KNOWING that we're not going to win. Than when we DON'T win, we have to fight cause it was rigged. Just not something I wanna have to do at an audition. Just saying.

Z looks offended.

Z
You're a shady queen. A shady, shady queen!
(he calms down)
I DID win those pageants, those bricks couldn't TAKE me, hunnay.
Z flips his fake, imaginary hair.

Julian
I know. I know. You were a lot prettier than those other girls. Except Kimberly Kane....

Z
(doesn't look interested)
She was alright.

Julian
Oh! And, Ebony Prisay...

Z
Yeah, she was good...

Julian
Oh my God, and Asaiyah Dior!

Z
(Z gets up, looking interested)
She was sickning! Sickning! That's the package I want tohave! She...was...SICKNING.
They both stop for a moment, thinking about the drag pageants they've done and how having a better package would have made them win.

Julian
Maybe we need to change your package...

Z
(nodding in agreement)
Why didn't we think of that before?

Julian
(stumped)
I don't know...but anyway. The audition. It's for this guy called "Energy", some new punk, pop singer. He's making a video and he needs some dancers so...I'm gonna go try out.

Z looks like he doesn't want to laugh but she does.

Z
Energy. Sounds like a drink. I don't know if I would be going to that audition, girl.

Julian
Why not?

Z
Because, Energy? What kind of name is that?

Julian
What kind of name is, "Zanity Kane"?

Z
(looks serious)
You trying to read, girl? Zanity Kane is a hot ass name for my alter ego. Beyonce aint the only one who could have split personalities and make millions off of them.

Julian
You already got too many of THOSE that DON'T make no money! And "Zanity Kane" sounds like a mental patient.
(acts like he's introducing someone)
Everyone, it's...ZANITY KANE!"...I would be running out the club to the nearest police station if they announced that name as the next performer at a club.

Z
(wants to be mad but finds it funny)
I wish I could call you something that they could air on tv.

Julian laughs.

Julian
So you really think I SHOULDN'T go?

Z
No. I think you should go. Because you're a good dancer and you're gonna kill it.

Julian
Thank you...
(thinks)
Are you secretly crossing you're fingers so I can't see them and you're really wishing me bad luck instead of all that fluff you just gave me? You know, being the shady person you are.

Z
(smiles like he's caught)
How did you know?

Julian
Cause you're a hateful, whore. Least that's what Stony says.
Z sits up, wanting to know what his boyfriend said about him.

Z
What do you mean?

Julian
He was talking to Darnell in the bathroom while you were in the bed talking to ME about the argument you had last night. You know, Stony calls Darnell, Darnell calls me, the whole "gay phone chain". I swear, me and Darnell are going to start charging you for the all the bags under our eyes from staying up with you guys so late on the phone.

Suddenly, Darnell comes in. Darnell is the friend you have who thinks he's better than everybody, looks better than everybody, you know, those "I'm the Queen of the world" and better than you friends. Darnell is closest with Julian because they were best friends in high school and has always stuck up for Julian even though he sometimes cares more about himself than others. He and Z have a love hate relationship, mostly because Z doesn't put up with Darnell's "bow down to me" attitude. Darnell is twenty three, short, and cute with a short haircut and you can tell that he likes the finer things in life. He wears designer clothing from head to toe and is the "self proclaimed cute one" of the Boyfriendz.

Darnell
Don't BE saying I have bags under my eyes, I will NEVER have bags under my eyes. That's what I paid my plastic surgeon five thousand dollars under the table AND made that pact with the devil for.

Julian and Z look back, shocked to see him.

Z
And I'm gonna start charging for every time you leave the door unlocked and let this label whore hyena come into my apartment.

Julian
Now you he would have found a way in anyway...hey, Darnell. You're up early.

Darnell
I was gonna say the same about this trick...(he points to Z)
SHE'S never up until the sunlight hits her in the face and says "Hey, I'm about to go SET now, you MIGHT wanna get up."

Darnell sits down on the couch next to Julian and her cell phone rings.

Darnell

One second...
(he answers)

Hi honey! Yes, the house on Elshire and Brawn is lovely. Three bathrooms, Four bedrooms, and a kitchen and half. When can you see it, um...next week? That's great. I'll see ya than.
(he hangs up, looking happy but the rest of them are looking at her like she's crazy)
What?

Z
Wilshire and Brawn HAS no houses left to live on it. It was destroyed in the flood that happened weeks ago. What deaf, dumb, and blind person are YOU selling a house to over there?

Darnell
(pauses)Ok, ok, so she's blind! And what the house has is three rooms that I'm GONNA TURN...into all that crap I just said.
(thinks)
HOW many kitchens did I say were in there again?

Z
God knows how you've been in business for so long without being locked up.

Darnell
Boo, when you got these...
(he shows his arms, they're muscular)
Going to jail is the least of your problems.

Z
Unless they mistake you for a male hooker which they probably will seeing as how you dress like somebody working the corner.

Darnell
Hmm, envy, it looks so good on you, Z. These would look good on you too...
(displays his diamond studs)
I mean, I KNOW you wish you had them.

Z
(unphased)
And YOU wish you had a man, but I guess you can settle for those earrings. Sure they'll keep you warm at night next to your picture of Young Jeezy.
Darnell looks at Julian, surprised that Z knows that.

Julian
(apologetic)
I'm sorry! I was a little tipsy one night, Z asked to know embarrassing things about you, I...she got me! But I blame it on the alcohol like Jaime. Never again will I drink liquor that's lit on fire, it's just not natural. It's like a truth serum. I was like Ben Stiller in the "Meet the Parents" sequel, couldn't shut up for nothing.

Z
Yeah but you wouldn't stop drinking it even when you spilled the drink and the table caught fire, right alchy?

Julian
You wouldn't let a six dollar shot go to waste either! I don't care if the club was going to burn down, I was DRINKING that drink.

Darnell looks around at the walls, shaking his head as though he were talking to somebody.

Julian
WHAT are you doing?

Darnell
(making a sad face) Feeling SORRY for these walls. They're just crying, "Paint me. Paint me."

Z
There is NOTHING wrong with my walls.

Darnell
More importantly, there's nothing RIGHT with them either. You should REALLY let me re-do your house.

Z
You SELL houses, NOT decorate them. You might have pictures of yourself all up and through here if I give you that kind of power and I will NOT be staring at you all night long, trying to give ME nightmares...messing up my sleep and stuff.

Darnell
Every gay man's fantasy is to be staring at me all night long. Do you KNOW how many men have asked to photograph me just so they can have something to look at, at night?

Z
Yeah, the ones who posted your pictures up on a porn site, that's who.

Darnell
That only happened TWICE...well, once...if you DON'T count the fact that the first time it happened, I sold the pictures to the website myself.

Julian
How DO you sleep at night?

Darnell
Comfortably. Peacefully. On my mattress that absorbs the haters right from my body. I paid eleven hundred dollars to have it flown privately from the sheep fields of...
(tries to think of the name but can't)
SOME third world country. I'll tell you, those eleven year old slave shops workers put their foot into making that bed, I know that's why Angelina adopted all of them, all her gowns are "hand made". Mother Teresa my ass.

Julian
You just love rubbing the fact that you have money in our face, don't you?

Darnell
Well...
(thinks about it)
Yeah. It just makes me feel like a better person, I like that feeling. Aint nothing wrong with wanting to be the best.

Z
The one thing you're the best at...

Darnell
(defensively)
Is what? WHAT?! Go ahead say it, the one thing I'm the best at is laying on my back, right?

Z
(pause)
Well, I was GONNA say it's being all about yourself butlaying on your back, that works too. DEFINITELY works.

Julian
I should start going.
(Julian gets up from the couch, sighing)

Julian
Wish me luck?

Darnell
I don't even know where the hell you're going. I don't do that whole blind trusting thing anymore. That's how you end up playing gay "Pirates of the Caribbean", tied to a flagpole, naked and blindfolded, you WON'T...get me twice.

Julian
I'm going to my audition for Energy.

Darnell
(looks at Z confused)
I will NOT be a part of wishing you luck to get the part of an energy drink. You got the wrong one here. Regardless to what you bitches may think, I CARE about my friends' success.(to Julian)Aim higher, boo, you can do better than an energy drink. Now auditioning to be a Pepsi can? That's where the money is.

Julian just looks at Darnell funny and than turns to Z.

Julian
Can you...

Z
(already understanding what he's saying)
I'll fill dumbass in. Good luck on your audition.JulianI'll call you guys, let you know how it goes because if I DON'T get it, we're getting drinks bright and early today at Lisa's so I can drown my sorrows. Call me an alcoholic all you want.Julian walks out of the apartment.

Darnell
(shaking his head)
I can't believe you're letting that poor boy go off and audition to be an energy drink. And you CALL me a bad friend.
(gets a confused look on his face)
Why is he acting anyway? I thought he wanted to be a doctor.

Z
(looks like he can't believe Darnell just said that)
Julian wants to be a DANCER.

Darnell
Dancer, doctor, he still living with his father! But yeah, you should really let me re-do your house.

Z just gives Darnell an "I can't believe you" look.

End of Scene.

Which is your favorite boyfriend so far?

If you had to choose a gay friend between Z and Julian, who would you choose?

What is your first impression of Z?

Send your comments to twitter.com/boyfriendznews

Can't wait to hear from you!

Thnx 4 Coming!

So I've posted up the 1st episode of my tv show, *Boyfriendz*, and basically this blog is going to be updated every week with a new episode! It's been the works for alomst a year now and I have completed 2 seasons of, from what I hear from others, "a show that is nothing like any other on tv"...that's what everyone who reads it says!

The first one is the Pilot and you can read it at your own leisure time. It is a little lengthy because the website chose to not put the "spaces" between the dialogue but STILL PLEASE READ!!! It's been read by many others and it's a very refreshing "show".

Hopefully with you guys' help and word of mouth and some network backing, *Boyfriendz* will be on television by the end of the year! There are 13 episodes and this is the first half of the "Pilot" so enjoy!

There will be updates from the "Boyfriendz" themselves during the week so make sure you read the eps to know what's going on with the characters!

Send comments, questions, anything *Boyfriendz* related to xavion_niles@yahoo.com

As well as keep up with the Boyfriendz on twitter.com/boyfriendznews

"Boyfriendz" Ep. 1, Pilot Part 1

“BOYFRIENDZ”
“Pilot” (1 of 2)

Scene 1

Z and Stony's Apartment--Interior-Living Room

January 21, 2009. Wednesday morning. The show opens up with Z, the "mother" of the Boyfriends crew. He's medium height, light skin, and skinny. Very effeminate but doesn't care what anyone thinks about him and believes he can kick anyone's ass. Usually, the advice giver of the group and has a love hate relationship with Darnell. Z is closest to Julian out of everyone and they consider themselves "gay sisters" for life .Z is cleaning up the living room singing, "Diva" by Beyonce, with her headphones on and her cd player blasting. Julian comes in, dressed in his dance gear.Julian is handsome, short, nicely built and is the nicest one of the group but also the most neurotic, naive, and a little bit "blonde" sometimes. He is the most rational of the Boyfriends but is also the least experienced. Julian has been Z's best friend for years after they met through mutual friends and has a key to his apartment. Hearing Z singing, he walks into the living room and has a horrified look on his face.

Z

(singing)

"Since fifteen in my stiletouttes, been strutting in this game, what's yo age, what's the(inaudible sound, Z makes noise with her mouth)I'ma, I'ma a diva...

Julian

Oh--my--God...WHAT is that ungodly sound coming out of your mouth?Z(singing, paying no mind)You see that maskkkk or that moneyyyyy...JulianYOU are NOT Beyonce!Z(singing)I'ma, I'ma a divaaa--I'ma, I'ma a divaaa...

Julian

(sighing, knowing what he has to say)

You're not Beyonce, you're better bitch!Z cuts off the music and smiles.

Z

And don't you forget it, hunnay.

Julian

Hi, Z. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to smack you, bring you back to reality You ARE NOT Beyonce.

Z makes a face at him.

Z

I am tired of all this hateration from the girls, hunnay. How ya doing, mary?

Julian smiles, their banter being one of the brighter part of his days.

Julian

Do you really wanna know? I'm nervous as hell. I have this audition at ten-thirty, which is in about THIRTY minutes and I don't think I can do it.

Z

You second guessing yourself, girl, course you CAN'T do it.

(sits down on the other couch)

That's like me saying I'm NOT gonna win the pageant and than...NOT--win the pageant...maybe that's not such a good example.

Julian smirks.

Julian

Your pageants are different, we go into them KNOWING that we're not going to win. Than when we DON'T win, we have to fight cause it was rigged. Just not something I wanna have to do at an audition. Just saying.

Z looks offended.

Z

You're a shady queen. A shady, shady queen!

(he calms down)

I DID win those pageants, those bricks couldn't TAKE me, hunnay.

Z flips his fake, imaginary hair.

Julian

I know. I know. You were a lot prettier than those other girls. Except Kimberly Kane....

Z

(doesn't look interested)

She was alright.

Julian

Oh! And, Ebony Prisay...

Z

Yeah, she was good...

Julian

Oh my God, and Asaiyah Dior!

Z

(Z gets up, looking interested)

She was sickning! Sickning! That's the package I want tohave! She...was...SICKNING.

They both stop for a moment, thinking about the drag pageants they've done and how having a better package would have made them win.

Julian

Maybe we need to change your package...

Z

(nodding in agreement)

Why didn't we think of that before?

Julian

(stumped)

I don't know...but anyway. The audition. It's for this guy called "Energy", some new punk, pop singer. He's making a video and he needs some dancers so...I'm gonna go try out.

Z looks like he doesn't want to laugh but she does.

Z

Energy. Sounds like a drink. I don't know if I would be going to that audition, girl.

Julian

Why not?

Z

Because, Energy? What kind of name is that?

Julian

What kind of name is, "Zanity Kane"?

Z

(looks serious)

You trying to read, girl? Zanity Kane is a hot ass name for my alter ego. Beyonce aint the only one who could have split personalities and make millions off of them.

Julian

You already got too many of THOSE that DON'T make no money! And "Zanity Kane" sounds like a mental patient.

(acts like he's introducing someone)

Everyone, it's...ZANITY KANE!"...I would be running out the club to the nearest police station if they announced that name as the next performer at a club.

Z

(wants to be mad but finds it funny)

I wish I could call you something that they could air on tv.

Julian laughs.

Julian

So you really think I SHOULDN'T go?

Z

No. I think you should go. Because you're a good dancer and you're gonna kill it.

Julian

Thank you...

(thinks)

Are you secretly crossing you're fingers so I can't see them and you're really wishing me bad luck instead of all that fluff you just gave me? You know, being the shady person you are.

Z

(smiles like he's caught)

How did you know?

Julian

Cause you're a hateful, whore. Least that's what Stony says.

Z sits up, wanting to know what his boyfriend said about him.

Z

What do you mean?

Julian

He was talking to Darnell in the bathroom while you were in the bed talking to ME about the argument you had last night. You know, Stony calls Darnell, Darnell calls me, the whole "gay phone chain". I swear, me and Darnell are going to start charging you for the all the bags under our eyes from staying up with you guys so late on the phone.

Suddenly, Darnell comes in. Darnell is the friend you have who thinks he's better than everybody, looks better than everybody, you know, those "I'm the Queen of the world" and better than you friends. Darnell is closest with Julian because they were best friends in high school and has always stuck up for Julian even though he sometimes cares more about himself than others. He and Z have a love hate relationship, mostly because Z doesn't put up with Darnell's "bow down to me" attitude. Darnell is twenty three, short, and cute with a short haircut and you can tell that he likes the finer things in life. He wears designer clothing from head to toe and is the "self proclaimed cute one" of the Boyfriendz.

Darnell

Don't BE saying I have bags under my eyes, I will NEVER have bags under my eyes. That's what I paid my plastic surgeon five thousand dollars under the table AND made that pact with the devil for.

Julian and Z look back, shocked to see him.

Z

And I'm gonna start charging for every time you leave the door unlocked and let this label whore hyena come into my apartment.

Julian

Now you he would have found a way in anyway...hey, Darnell. You're up early.

Darnell

I was gonna say the same about this trick...(he points to Z)

SHE'S never up until the sunlight hits her in the face and says "Hey, I'm about to go SET now, you MIGHT wanna get up."

Darnell sits down on the couch next to Julian and her cell phone rings.

Darnell
One second...

(he answers)
Hi honey! Yes, the house on Elshire and Brawn is lovely. Three bathrooms, Four bedrooms, and a kitchen and half. When can you see it, um...next week? That's great. I'll see ya than.

(he hangs up, looking happy but the rest of them are looking at her like she's crazy)

What?

Z

Wilshire and Brawn HAS no houses left to live on it. It was destroyed in the flood that happened weeks ago. What deaf, dumb, and blind person are YOU selling a house to over there?

Darnell

(pauses)Ok, ok, so she's blind! And what the house has is three rooms that I'm GONNA TURN...into all that crap I just said.

(thinks)

HOW many kitchens did I say were in there again?

Z

God knows how you've been in business for so long without being locked up.

Darnell

Boo, when you got these...

(he shows his arms, they're muscular)

Going to jail is the least of your problems.

Z

Unless they mistake you for a male hooker which they probably will seeing as how you dress like somebody working the corner.

Darnell

Hmm, envy, it looks so good on you, Z. These would look good on you too...

(displays his diamond studs)

I mean, I KNOW you wish you had them.

Z

(unphased)

And YOU wish you had a man, but I guess you can settle for those earrings. Sure they'll keep you warm at night next to your picture of Young Jeezy.

Darnell looks at Julian, surprised that Z knows that.

Julian

(apologetic)

I'm sorry! I was a little tipsy one night, Z asked to know embarrassing things about you, I...she got me! But I blame it on the alcohol like Jaime. Never again will I drink liquor that's lit on fire, it's just not natural. It's like a truth serum. I was like Ben Stiller in the "Meet the Parents" sequel, couldn't shut up for nothing.

Z

Yeah but you wouldn't stop drinking it even when you spilled the drink and the table caught fire, right alchy?

Julian

You wouldn't let a six dollar shot go to waste either! I don't care if the club was going to burn down, I was DRINKING that drink.

Darnell looks around at the walls, shaking his head as though he were talking to somebody.

Julian

WHAT are you doing?

Darnell

(making a sad face)
Feeling SORRY for these walls. They're just crying, "Paint me. Paint me."

Z

There is NOTHING wrong with my walls.

Darnell

\More importantly, there's nothing RIGHT with them either. You should REALLY let me re-do your house.

Z

You SELL houses, NOT decorate them. You might have pictures of yourself all up and through here if I give you that kind of power and I will NOT be staring at you all night long, trying to give ME nightmares...messing up my sleep and stuff.

Darnell

Every gay man's fantasy is to be staring at me all night long. Do you KNOW how many men have asked to photograph me just so they can have something to look at, at night?

Z

Yeah, the ones who posted your pictures up on a porn site, that's who.

Darnell

That only happened TWICE...well, once...if you DON'T count the fact that the first time it happened, I sold the pictures to the website myself.

Julian

How DO you sleep at night?

Darnell

Comfortably. Peacefully. On my mattress that absorbs the haters right from my body. I paid eleven hundred dollars to have it flown privately from the sheep fields of...

(tries to think of the name but can't)

SOME third world country. I'll tell you, those eleven year old slave shops workers put their foot into making that bed, I know that's why Angelina adopted all of them, all her gowns are "hand made". Mother Teresa my ass.

Julian

You just love rubbing the fact that you have money in our face, don't you?

Darnell

Well...

(thinks about it)

Yeah. It just makes me feel like a better person, I like that feeling. Aint nothing wrong with wanting to be the best.

Z

The one thing you're the best at...

Darnell

(defensively)

Is what? WHAT?! Go ahead say it, the one thing I'm the best at is laying on my back, right?

Z

(pause)

Well, I was GONNA say it's being all about yourself butlaying on your back, that works too. DEFINITELY works.

Julian

I should start going.

(Julian gets up from the couch, sighing)

Julian

Wish me luck?

Darnell

I don't even know where the hell you're going. I don't do that whole blind trusting thing anymore. That's how you end up playing gay "Pirates of the Caribbean", tied to a flagpole, naked and blindfolded, you WON'T...get me twice.

Julian

I'm going to my audition for Energy.

Darnell

(looks at Z confused)

I will NOT be a part of wishing you luck to get the part of an energy drink. You got the wrong one here. Regardless to what you bitches may think, I CARE about my friends' success.(to Julian)Aim higher, boo, you can do better than an energy drink. Now auditioning to be a Pepsi can? That's where the money is.

Julian just looks at Darnell funny and than turns to Z.

Julian

Can you...

Z

(already understanding what he's saying)

I'll fill dumbass in. Good luck on your audition.JulianI'll call you guys, let you know how it goes because if I DON'T get it, we're getting drinks bright and early today at Lisa's so I can drown my sorrows. Call me an alcoholic all you want.Julian walks out of the apartment.

Darnell

(shaking his head)

I can't believe you're letting that poor boy go off and audition to be an energy drink. And you CALL me a bad friend.

(gets a confused look on his face)

Why is he acting anyway? I thought he wanted to be a doctor.

Z

(looks like he can't believe Darnell just said that)

Julian wants to be a DANCER.

Darnell

Dancer, doctor, he still living with his father! But yeah, you should really let me re-do your house.

Z just gives Darnell an "I can't believe you" look.

Scene 2

Z/Stony's Apartment-Interior-Living Room

Continuation from Scene 1. Darnell is still trying to convince Z to let him re-do his apartment.

Darnell

Come on! And you know what? I'll even do it for fr...for fr...fr...

Z

Are you trying to say FREE?

Darnell

(struggling to say the words)

I'm...trying but my lips won't form the words. "Free" is too close to "fee" and I'm...getting confused.

(trying to decide)

Which one, which one, which one...ok, my brain's decided.

(smiling)

I'll re-do your apartment for a small FEE, not FREE...of a thousand dollars.

Z

Oh ok, that works.

(gets up and gets a knife from the kitchen and walks over to Darnell with a purpose)

Darnell

(jumps back on the couch)

What the hell are you doing?!

Z

(casually)

I'm just going to kill you, steal your credit card and charge your small FEE of a thousand dollars on YOUR tab. I know you can afford it.

Darnell

You're SO hostile!

(Z goes and puts the knife back into the drawer and leans on the counter)

Darnell

Ok, five hundred.Z gets up and goes to the refrigerator, getting a bottle of water.

Z

I am not PAYING you for something YOU offered. And I like my apartment the way it is, everything is perfect and fits for me.

Darnell

Correction. You like the way STONY'S apartment is. You don't pay rent here!StonyDamn sure don't!

Darnell looks around with a strange expression on his face because he hears Stony but doesn't see him.

Darnell

You talking from the beyond the grave again, Casper?

Stony sticks his head out from the divider.

Stony

Screw you, whore, it's too early to be trying to work me.

Darnell

You KNOW I always confuse the box you sleep in for a coffin.

(pointing a finger at the dividers)
That's the first thing I'm gonna tackle, making you two a bedroom. Cause if I gotta look at those...dollar tree asian dividers again, I think I might put myself in a coffin.

Z

(smiling)

And I'll happily nail ya right in.

Stony comes out and sits down on the couch next to Z. Stony is Z's longtime boyfriend of three years, the fourth member of the Boyfriends. He's dark skinned, skinny like Z but a little more manly, he's nice but very blunt and is usually the one to put things into a very, precise but very vulgar, perspective. He loves Z and is friends with Julian and Darnell as well as the security guard for the building he lives in. Stony goes to kiss Z but Z stops him.

Z

Hold up, Lindsay Lohan post anorexia vomit breath. You're trying to kiss me and you didn't even brush your teeth? How disrespectful is that?

Stony

Oh, about as disrespectful as me waking up having to pick...

(he takes out a sunflower seed shell from the back of his head)

SUNflower SEEDS out of my hair.

(throws it at Z)

I'm about to stuff the whole bag down your throat and sew your mouth shut, mary.

Z

(apologetic)

I'm sorry, baby, gimme a kiss.

Z goes to kiss Stony but this time Stony stops him.

Stony

No, I'M mad now.(turns to Darnell)What is this you talking about redecorating my apartment for free?

DarnellYou need to uh, go back to sleep and dream some more cause that's the only free thing you gonna get around here. Well, THAT and that trashy hoe over there.

Z

(quickly)

I have a man, what do you have?

Darnell

(laughing)

Who needs a man when I can have...

Z

A genital wart disease from all the anonymous sex you have?

Darnell

Don't HATE, imitate. And I know you've had a couple of itches YOU couldn't scratch with them talons. In fear of...

(makes disgusted face)
Spreading the rash.

Z

(to Stony)

These girls keep TRYING me!

Stony

They just can't take you, baby.

Z

(sincerely)

I know! That's the price you pay for being sickning, it's terrible.

Darnell

So anyway...do you accept my offer or what? And because we're "friends"...I'll do it for two hundred dollars.

Stony

SOLD!

Darnell

Excellent!He gets up and starts to get his things together.

Z

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Are you gonna buy the furniture for this little extreme home makeover?

Darnell

(looks like he's telling a lie)

Yeah. Sure.

Darnell starts walking to the door again.

Stony

I don't like the way you said that.

Darnell
You guys are my FRIENDS. Do you think I would really play you like that?

Stony/Z

Yes, mary!

Darnell

(holding his chest as though he's hurt)

It hurts my heart that you guys don't trust me, REALLY it does.

Z

Remember the last time we trusted you to do something?

Darnell

You burn a couple of eyebrows off someone's face and you can never live it down, damn! I'm going to make your apartment look like it's never looked before, believe me.

Darnell walks out and makes a call on his cell phone.

Darnell

(into phone)

Hi!...Yes, that house I told you that you could see next week, how about we do it tomorrow?...Of course, it will be FULLY furnished. I just found you some GREAT items to put in your new home.Darnell has a devious look on his face.

Scene cuts to...

Dance Studio-Interior-Front Desk

January 21, 2009. Wednesday afternoon. Julian walks in with his gym bag and goes to the front desk. There's a receptionist there chewing gum loudly and speaking on the desk phone.

Receptionist

TELL me about it, girl. That's why Chi-Chi and RaRa don't get along no more! Because they sleeping with the SAME dude!...no, not at the same time stupid, that's something me and you would do...

Julian(softly, not wanting to interrupt her)

Um, hi...The Receptionist ignores him.

Receptionist

Oh my God, I know! He is so FINE, right?...ugh, it's scary big!...no, bigger...no, BIGGER...no, not that BIG girl, I am NOT that big of a hoe...

Julian

(softly)

Excuse me...

Receptionist

Tika, hold on a second.

(looks annoyed, covers the phone)

If you need to go to the bathroom, it's down that hallway, don't ask me what door.

Julian

I'm actually here for an audition. For Energy.

Receptionist

(uninterested)

Ohhhh, Energy. Take this...

(she hands him a clipboard)

Fill out those papers and wait back there with the rest of the audition people.

Julian

(smiles)
Thank you. I'm so nervous about this audition..

.The Receptionist puts her hand up, she doesn't want to hear it.

Receptionist

(snotty)

I'm on a phone call, talking about something VERY important. You think I can hold two conversations at once?

Julian

Isn't that part of your job as a receptionist? You have to answer the phone AND talk to people in person at the same time?

Receptionist

(offended)

Well, if YOU wanna tell me how to do MY job than why don't you sit behind this desk and do it yourself than?!

Julian

No. No, thank you, I'm good.

Julian starts walking away.

Julian
Wouldn't wanna turn into a bitter bitch like you.

The desk phone rings, signaling a call coming in on another line.

Julian

Now would be a good time to practice that whole multitasking thing, try not to get fired.

The receptionist flips him off and Julian walks towards the back. There's a few people sitting in the waiting area and there's only one seat left, it's next to the good looking black guy who's filling out the same paperwork as Julian. It's like the world stops for a moment, Julian is struck by the guy's handsomeness. His shoulders are broad and defined, his hair is short but curly, his skin looks like caramel and the wife beater he's wearing is hugging him in all the right places. Julian sits down next to him, a look on his face that he's a little "smitten" by the guy's appearance.

Julian

(touching his pockets)

I don't have a pen, great.

Guy

Oh, I think I have an extra one.

He takes a pen out of his pocket and hands it to Julian.

Guy

Here you go.

Julian

Thanks. My head leaves me the minute I walk into a waiting room. Bad habit I have at auditions. Wait, til the part where I get all shaky and nervous and sweaty...

Guy

Sounds like me during sex.

Julian is caught off guard by that comment.

Julian

Thank you--for uh, sharing that.

Guy

A little TOO straight forward for somebody you don't even know, huh?

(extends his hand)

I'm Vernon.

Julian

(shakes Vernon's hand)

Julian. It's nice to meet you.

Vernon

NOW can I tell you about how good I am during sex?

Julian

(smiles, a little uncomfortable)

You must have a side job in making people oddly uncomfortable cause you're good at it.

Julian laughs a little.

Vernon

I'm just fooling around. Like you sweat when you're nervous? I make inappropriate jokes to complete strangers and make myself look like an ass when I'M nervous. Bad habit.

Julian laughs a little more, Vernon's pretty funny.

Julian

So do you know anything about this guy, Energy? My friends think he's some kind of con artist or something. One of them didn't even want me to come.

Vernon

I kinda had that feeling too when I read the ad on Craigslist. I've never even heard of the record label he's with, "Sock It To Me Records"?

Julian

It's supposed to be some independent label, I think. They always have weird names.(wonderingly)

I wonder why that is?

Vernon

Gotta take em where you can get em, right? Life for a dancer aint easy.

Julian

TELL me about it. One of my best friends owns his own company and he's like a year older than me. I, on the other hand, still live with my father, work in customer service and struggle to get a gig during the week.

Vernon

You think that's bad? I have to manage a store five days a week, DO volunteer work on the weekends with kids and come to auditions like this just so I can "follow my dream". I knew I never should have listened to that priest.

Julian looks like he likes Vernon's personality.

Julian

What else can we do besides that? I mean, yeah we COULD be tied down to a job making six figures, working at some desk that we REALLY hate, go home in the most sickening car ever and lay in bed at night, WISHING we were REALLY following our dreams of being on stage instead of living some fake life based on money and objects...

(has a look of realization)

That sounds so much better than what my life is like right now.

Vernon laughs.

Vernon

(pauses)

I'm sorry but did you say...sickening?

Julian

Can we--talk about this in the bathroom?

Vernon looks like he knows what he's suggesting.

Vernon

Well hot damn, let's go!

Scene cuts to...

Bathroom-Interior

Julian and Vernon are in the stall, getting it popping, their hands interlock over the top of the bathroom stall door as cartoon hearts appear above the stall.

Vernon

Did you say...sickening?

Scene cuts to...

Dance Studio-Interior-Waiting Area

Julian was daydreaming. Julian laughs, slightly embarrassed.

JulianIt's a--a gay term. And strangely, it's been lodged into my vocabulary. It means like, hot. Or Good.

Vernon

(surprised)

You're gay?

Julian

(has a "duh" look on his face)

Thought it was kind of a given you already knew that.

Vernon

Well, I just don't assume every MALE dancer is gay. Except ballerinas...

(unsure tone)

Ballerinos?...what DO you call those guys?

Julian

Very secure with their manhood.

Vernon

Yeah, you gotta be really secure with your masculinity to wear tights.

Julian

I was ACTUALLY talking about their penises. A guy HAS to know he's endowed to showcase himself like that in front of all those people...

(changes his expression)

Now that I think about it, ballerinas...

(unsure tone)

Ballerinos ARE pretty sexy.

Vernon

(offended)

So us "regular" hip hop dancers aren't SEXY? See, you're like the black women going for the white men nowadays. (shakes his head in disappointment)

Defection is even happening in the homosexual community. I think it's time to call Tyra.

Julian

(shocked)

Oh my God, you watch Tyra?! I LOVE Tyra!

Vernon

Hey, hey, hey! Don't say that too loud. Don't want people to start thinking I'm one of those guys who--"Tivos" a woman's talk show when they miss it cause they're...at the gym boxing.

It's clear Vernon is talking about himself but is trying to hide it.

Julian

(impressed)

Wow, you just do a lot of things don't you? Very extra-curricular. You climb mountains too?

Vernon

Well, AFTER my volunteer work on the weekends.

(They both laugh.)

Julian

What store do you manage?

Vernon

Excuse me?

Julian

You said you were the...manager of a store during the week. Did I get that wrong? I'm sorry, sometimes I have like this swimmer's ear thing and hear the complete opposite of what people say.

Vernon

Nah, I just didn't even know I had mentioned that. You pay attention to detail, I see.

Julian

Only when it's something I'm interested in.

(looks as though he said something wrong)

NOT that I'm interested in you, THAT way. I just made a really good conversation awkward as hell, didn't I?

Vernon

(amused)

Only cause you made a big deal outta nothing. Listen, I'm not one of those guys who gets offended if a gay guy thinks I'm attractive. I actually take it as a compliment.

Julian

(surprised)

Really? Most men wouldn't.

Vernon

That's cause I'm secure with who I am. Plus, if a guy thinks you're hot, imagine what a girl must think about you?

Julian

(in his head)

Probably the same thing I'm thinking right now. Ripping your clothes off and going to jail for doing the nasty in public.

(aloud)

That's a good way to think of it. But I don't think you're attractive.

Vernon

(looks a little surprised by that)

You're en--titled to your own opinion...

(a little more serious)What is it? I'm not your type? Too tall? Too built? Something wrong with my teeth?

Julian

(pauses, trying to think of something)

It's your ears. You could parachute out of a plane with those things.

Vernon laughs and so does Julian as they continue to fill out their forms.

Scene 3

Outside-ParkZ and Stony are walking through the park, Z is walking a rather large dog.

Z

You really didn't have to come with me to work, it's only dog walking. I can handle this.

Stony

Do you think I WANT to be out here? I'm wasting MY day off, watching you walk FiFi when I could be at home, getting the boys.

Z
(a serious look)

Don't play with me, I will THROW you in that moss infested pond WITHOUT remorse! Think Angela Bassett did some damage, I'll drown yo ass.

Stony

You don't even know what remorse means.ZSo what?! It just FIT with the end of the sentence.

Stony

I came cause I wanna make sure you don't...walk your little butt back to the house and flake out on this job like you do the REST of your temp jobs.

The dog starts growling.

Stony

Side question...

(points to the dog)

Why is that big ass dog named FiFi?

Z

He should have been named Fi Fi Foe Fum, he's DAMN near bigger than me and you put together. And baby, I gave you my PROMISE? P-R-O-M-I-S-E. Doesn't that mean anything?

Stony

Yeah, that you can spell. Good for you. I'm still not leaving.

Z sighs, frustrated.

Z

You know what, if we don't have trust, we have nothing.

Stony

We're REALLY gonna have nothing if you don't get a steady income soon. What's gonna happen is, you gonna walk into a blacked out house one day and come together. I CAN'T keep doing this by myself, baby.

Z

Don't you think I know that? I've been trying to get in contact with Jim for a booking at a "Secrets" but he hasn't been picking up my calls. His oversized load self probably can't get the cell phone out his pocket.

(narrows his eyes, finding another solution)

Or maybe he ate it. Or maybe he ate HIMSELF into some kind of glutton, induced coma.

Stony

A booking at "Secrets" ISN'T going to pay the rent.

Z

But it'll pay the light bill. You may not be satisfied but PSEG will be.

Stony

And what's gonna happen next month?

Z

I'll just get another booking.

Stony

Because you get bookings ALL the time, right?

Z

Being a DRAG performer is a hard life. I'm like a struggling artist and you knew that when you got with me, Stony. THREE years ago! It's a little late to be picking up on the fact that I don't LIKE to work now, don'tcha think?

Stony

You about to be struggling for air cause I'm gonna choke the HELL out of you.

Z

(appalled)

WHAT is wrong with you? We're out in public and you're threatening my LIFE? I should go report you to that cop sitting over there.

Stony

(confident)

Go ahead. Cops only help tax payers so--have a field day.

Z

(upset)

That was the ULTIMATE shade.

Suddenly, Z gets yanked away by the dog who is running after another dog, he starts screaming off screen. Stony smiles.

Stony

Now THAT was the ultimate shade, mary. Baby, I'm coming!...watch that

There's a loud crash!

Stony

(making an "ow" face)

Pond.

Scene 4

Lisa's-Interior-Boyfriendz Table

January 21, 2009. Wednesday night. The Boyfriendz are at Lisa's, having drinks as they usually do after a long day.

Julian

So THAN after the cops came to ARREST Lamar Catoe...

Z

(taking a bite of his salad)

Who's Lamar Catoe?

Julian

Oh, that's "Energy's" real name.

Darnell

Why does that name sound so familiar?

Julian

They told us that he's actual a mental patient with some CRAZY fetish for mirrors who escaped from the mental hospital. After that I kinda started to realize why he kept licking his reflection during the audition.

Stony

That's crazy. So basically you wasted your time for no reason.

Julian

Well...

Darnell

You met a guy.

Julian

(trying to hide it)

No I didn't.

Darnell

Yeah you did. Your eyes got all twinkly, your teeth are showing when you smile. Either you met a guy or you just farted.

Z

I really hope it's the first one.

Julian

Ok, I DID meet someone but it's NOT what you think...

(makes a sad face)
I wish it was what you were thinking though. Why do I always meet straight guys who have NO problem with gay people? It's so much easier to deal with men and their homophobia than men who are actually cool with homosexuals.

Z

What kind of straight guys do you want to meet?

Julian

The kind that Darnell meet. The ones who turn out to be Bisexual .

Stony

Darnell's the bisexual one, Julian. Buy him something and he gets VERY, VERY sexual.

Darnell

At least they can afford to buy me something, what do you get from this low life over here ? Contagious outbreaks?

Z

How do you read me when I'm not even talking?

Darnell

I couldn't think of anything for him so I had to go with an easy target.

(to Julian)

And SOME of them are bisexual. The rest are just..."wowed" by all of this and can't help themselves to a taste.

Z

Or they're drunk as hell after a night at the club like Raul was. How are THOSE sexual assault charges coming by the way?

Darnell gives him a look.

Stony

Look Julian, we ALL know that you don't have a gaydar like every other gay man does. Well, you do have one, it's just--a little off.

Julian

I don't believe in "gaydars". I mean, how can you honestly tell if a guy is interested or not, ESPECIALLY when he says he's straight?

Stony

There are plenty of signals you get, you just gotta know what to look for.

Z

Like for example...if you're with a heterosexual man, they normally don't like to be too close to you. So if you invade his space just a little bit and he doesn't look like he wants to punch you in the face? That's one way to know.

Darnell

Or if when you "accidently" touch his crotch cause you "accidently" drop your chap stick in his lap and you end up on the roof of your building playing the naughty cop and bad robber? You definitely know then.

Stony

But of course that only happens to you, Darnell, cause the last time I tried playing naughty cop and bad robber with a guy...

Z gives him a look.

StonyWas so long ago that I can't even remember, I love you ba...

Z

(cuts him off)

Don't talk to me, you disgust me.

(rolls eyes)

So what is this "straight" man like?

Julian

Well, his name is Vernon and he's amazing! He works at some clothing store in SoHo as the manager.

(gets a little more excited)

He does volunteer work on the weekends. He boxes, he has a dog! He dances...

DarnellWell, damn! Did you go to the Hall of Records and RESEARCH the minimum wage store clerk or something?!

Julian

Store MANAGER.

DarnellIt's a retail store. They're ALL clerks to me when I go in there and shop.

Julian

(sighs)

I forgot you think that people who work in retail are your bonified slaves.

Darnell

I like to think of them more like..."attire gathering assistants".

Z(looks at Darnell crazy)

You're a mess, girl. A mess.

Darnell

How do you say it?

(mocks Z)

"I'm tired of all this hateration from the girls, hunnay."

Stony
You forgot to flip your imaginary hair like this crazy one does.

Julian

Back to me guys, please! The reason why I know all of that stuff about him is because we talked before the audition. A LOT, actually. He didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable that I was gay, we just kept talking about, well, everything.

Z

It could mean one of two things. Either he's straight and just very gay friendly or...

Darnell

He's waiting for you to give him the green light to make a move on you...

Stony

So make the move, dammit and ask questions later.

Z

(looks at him, upset)Because that's what your whorish ass would do, right? You know what, I'm sick of you. I want a divorce.

Stony

(looks dumbfounded)

You have to have a ring first to get divorced andddd, I know I aint got no receipt for THAT purchase.

Z

Why DON'T I have a ring?

Stony

The same reason you don't have a job, cause you didn't do anything to get one!

Darnell and Julian laugh at the joke and than Darnell gets a look of recognition on his face.

Darnell

Lamar Catoe! I slept with him!

(They all look shocked)

That's WHY I remember his name!

(looks at Z)

Eat your words heifer, I CAN remember the men that I sleep with.

Z

Who'd you sleep with last night?

Darnell

(confident)

Jamal...no...

(even more confident)

Bobby! Yup, it was definitely Bobby.

Julian

Didn't you tell me it was the spanish clean up guy in your building, Jorge?

Darnell

Boo, I don't know, they all just start to bleed together after awhile.

End of "Pilot pt. 1"